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Jag Jokes

 
  #1  
Old 06-27-2011, 03:47 PM
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Default Jag Jokes

Let's hear some original Jag humor! I put these in a prior post, but would like to see all the jokes in one place. I made these up. Keep 'em going!


Q: How many S type owners get laid in an orgy?
A: Zero! They are all in limp mode!


Why is an S Type like a condom?
When you buy it, you are not sure if you are going to get [email protected]!
When you use it, you know you are [email protected]!
When it breaks, you are not sure how [email protected] you are going to be!
 
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  #2  
Old 06-27-2011, 05:47 PM
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That's off to a good start!
 
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Old 06-27-2011, 06:45 PM
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how do you find oil in the ground?
park a jaguar over it and oil will appear underneath

how do you know if your Jaguar is out of oil or coolant?
it quits leaking

3 animals every woman wants
a Tiger in bed
a Mink in the closet
a Jaguar in the driveway
 
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  #4  
Old 06-27-2011, 11:28 PM
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Why don't the British make televisions?
They could never figure out how to build one that leaks oil....

Why do the British drink warm beer?
Because Lucas builds their refrigerators too...
 
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  #5  
Old 06-28-2011, 11:53 AM
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The one I've heard from many sources during the past thirty years is that once you finally decide to purchase a Jaguar, make absolutely certain that you also have enough funds to hire a tow truck to follow you around full-time....

I'm certainly delighted that has not turned out to be the case with our 2005 S-Type. But Jaguar's longstanding reputation for unreliability along with devilish electrical problems did indeed force me to conduct far more pre-purchase research on our S-Type than any other vehicle I've ever acquired....
 
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Old 06-29-2011, 02:31 AM
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So this man on his way to play golf pulls into a country gas station and gets full serve. The gas station attendant, a country fellow, marvels at his beautiful Jag while he's filling the tank. He asks, hey -- what are those things on the hood of your car?

The man replies, "Well those are windscreen washers. They squirt a small amount of soapy water on your windscreen to wash dirt off of it."

To that, the gas station attendant replies "wow, them folks at Jaguar think of everything".

The attendant then reaches into the car to open the hood and notices the buttons on the steering wheel. He asks the man about them.

To that, the man replies, "Those are stereo controls so I don't have to take my hands from the wheel when I want to adjust the stereo."

The attendant again replies "Wow, them folks at Jaguar think of everything"

After a few more "learning moments" like this, it's time for the man to pay.

He reaches into his pocket for his moneyclip, and pulls out the clip and a couple of golf tees. As he's pulling the proper bills, the gas station attendant notices the tees and asks "what are those white things in your hands?"

The man replies, "Those are "tees"...you put your ***** on them when you drive."

To that, the attendant exclaims in his most impressed voice "WOW! them folks at Jaguar REALLY do think of everything!!"
 
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Old 01-25-2015, 10:25 AM
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A man is being hunted by police on suspicion of bestiality.

He was last seen getting into a jaguar.

(Sorry)
 
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  #8  
Old 01-25-2015, 10:27 AM
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A man in a Jaguar passed a Nissan Micra that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.

After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a Nissan Micra in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Nissan Micra and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.

A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 100 mph - and a bloke in a Nissan Micra flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"
 
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  #9  
Old 01-25-2015, 11:18 AM
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Met a mate down the pub who asked me "What's a good way to kill off the missus, she's doing my ****ing head in."
I replied in the ways that he would get away with it, if he bought her a Mini; I said "She'd definitely kill herself in that."
A week or so passes and he phones me up..."Mate, it's not working; she cleans the car 3 times a week, never goes over 20MPH, I still can't get rid of her."
"Well," I said "If a Mini won't work, you're gonna have to get her a Jaguar."
"Alright mate, I'll try that," he replied
We met in the pub the following Friday, and he walks in with the biggest grin. "It worked, mate."
I asked what had happened; he said "Well, it worked so well I couldn't believe it... she got home from work and I opened its cage, it just leaped right at her...."
 
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  #10  
Old 01-25-2015, 11:25 AM
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I've just applied to adopt a jaguar for 3 a month.

I hope they send me an XJL.
 
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  #11  
Old 01-27-2015, 08:43 AM
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Default True story, almost on topic..

Originally Posted by Brutal View Post
how do you find oil in the ground?
park a jaguar over it and oil will appear underneath

how do you know if your Jaguar is out of oil or coolant?
it quits leaking
Shortly before emigrating, I had sold the Jag and was driving an old banger whilst waiting around to sell the house and get moving. Went out as usual in the early morning darkness to walk the dogs. Up returning home, I noticed a dark patch on the gravel where the car head been parked.

As it was still too dark to see clearly whether it was oil, water, steering fluid etc. I picked up a handful of gravel. The texture didn't help much with the diagnosis, so I gave it a good sniff.

This enabled me to identify, conclusively, that the patch had been created by one of the dogs cocking his leg against the front tyre..
 
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  #12  
Old 01-29-2015, 06:16 PM
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Lol these are priceless the first post my fav.... U drove an s type u def get it
 
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Old 01-30-2015, 11:48 AM
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An aggie decides to hire himself out as a handyman.


The first customer offers him $100 to paint his porch. "I got the housepaint and the rollers in the garage," the customer says.


The aggie agrees, and goes to the garage to get the housepaint while the customer goes back inside.


A couple of hours later, the aggie knocks on the customer's door.


"All done," he boasts proudly, then adds, "I think you ought to know, it's not a Porsche, it's a Jaguar. It says so on the trunk lid."
 
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  #14  
Old 01-31-2015, 01:06 AM
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Originally Posted by rea98d View Post
An aggie decides to hire himself out as a handyman. The first customer offers him $100 to paint his porch. "I got the housepaint and the rollers in the garage," the customer says. The aggie agrees, and goes to the garage to get the housepaint while the customer goes back inside. A couple of hours later, the aggie knocks on the customer's door. "All done," he boasts proudly, then adds, "I think you ought to know, it's not a Porsche, it's a Jaguar. It says so on the trunk lid."
It's been a while since I've heard an Aggie joke.

Gig 'em Ags!
 
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Old 01-31-2015, 05:58 AM
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Wots an Aggie?
 
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:17 AM
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IIRC, it refers to a graduate of an agricultural college, e.g. Texas A&M (or nearer to home, the institution between Lacock and Chippenham).

Think blonde jokes for engineers...

Best wishes, Colin
 
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Old 02-04-2015, 02:50 PM
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Old 02-04-2015, 02:50 PM
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Old 02-04-2015, 02:51 PM
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Old 03-01-2015, 04:53 AM
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