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  #1  
Old 07-21-2011, 08:53 AM
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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily, if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it!


(I really appreciated this joke because I recently got a ticket while driving through NC)
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  #2  
Old 07-21-2011, 12:34 PM
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Oh noooooo.
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Old 07-23-2011, 01:12 PM
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SKINNY DIPPING

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out of this pond until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast!.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:01 PM
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Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.(Hey, who do you think makes it icky?)
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character..
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet bscause they are not a half size too small.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
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  #5  
Old 07-23-2011, 05:08 PM
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MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD -at the doctor.

BFF -best friend fell.

BTW -bring the wheelchair.

BYOT -bring your own teeth.

FWIW -forgot where I was.

GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.

GHA -got heartburn again.

IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

LMDO -laughing my dentures out.

OMMR -on my massage recliner.

ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.

TTYL -talk to you louder!
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  #6  
Old 07-24-2011, 08:31 AM
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I'm copying and pasting to my emails right now!

All very funny!
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Old 07-24-2011, 09:28 AM
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Two Aliens

Some years ago two aliens landed in outback Australia near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Browned off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You don't want to do that! It will make him angry.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his ***** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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  #8  
Old 07-24-2011, 10:42 AM
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Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the * up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
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  #9  
Old 07-24-2011, 04:32 PM
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Great jokes! Keep 'em coming!
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Old 07-24-2011, 09:44 PM
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"My girlfriend always laughs during sex--no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs
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Old 07-24-2011, 10:20 PM
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Oh, I love one liners!

Rodney Dangerfield was great at these as are many stand-up comedians.

Laughter is the best medicine!
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Old 07-26-2011, 09:39 AM
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HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided

that was enough, as they could not afford a
larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and
told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem
but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to
go home, get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are
legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to your ear and count
to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor,
'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I
don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and
put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his
ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and continued counting on
his other hand.

This procedure has been known to work in Tennessee ,Louisiana, Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia, West Virginia and Texas .
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Old 07-26-2011, 09:43 AM
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Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

Last edited by carelm; 07-26-2011 at 11:47 AM.
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Old 07-26-2011, 11:06 AM
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Um....me thinks your are double talking! lol

Love the Hillbilly joke as I live in Tennessee. Transplanted from Florida mind you!
I "ain't" that dumb!
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:31 PM
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A cut and paste artist, I'm not. The choice of the whales' names was rather interesting though.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:44 PM
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A man opens his front door to find a snail on his porch.
He picks the snail up and throws it across the street.
A year later he opens his front door and finds a snail standing there.
The snail looks at him and says: "What the hell did you do that for?"
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:56 PM
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"President Obama addressed a party fundraiser in New York Tuesday where he promised Democrats he'll get immigration reform passed. He spoke at length about how immigration is good for the United States. Maria Shriver has been granted equal time to deliver the rebuttal." --comedian Argus Hamilton
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Old 07-27-2011, 03:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayt2 View Post
"President Obama addressed a party fundraiser in New York Tuesday where he promised Democrats he'll get immigration reform passed. He spoke at length about how immigration is good for the United States. Maria Shriver has been granted equal time to deliver the rebuttal." --comedian Argus Hamilton
Well she certainly makes enough of a racket when she plays tennis.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:34 AM
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Old 07-27-2011, 03:35 PM
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A liberal congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and asked, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,
"What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the
congressman. "How about global*
warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do
you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replied, "Well then, do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know ****?"
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