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  #2001  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:29 PM
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I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect?"
 
  #2002  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:30 PM
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"Apple just released a new app that lets you read books with your kids on your TV. Or as dads put it, 'Yeah, this 'book' is about the Patriots-Seahawks game, and it's a thriller.'" -Jimmy Fallon


***

"According to scientists, the moon is the closest it's been to the Earth since 1948. Apparently, the moon is worried and wants to know what the hell is going on down here." -Conan O'Brien


***

"Last night, the moon appeared larger than normal because it was closer to the Earth. Astronomers call it a super moon. Famed astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson mocked the hype and said if you had a 15-inch pizza that became a 16-inch pizza, would you call that a super pizza? And I think I speak for everyone when I say, that depends what's on it." -James Corden
 
  #2003  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:31 PM
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I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
 
  #2004  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:31 PM
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My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
 
  #2005  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:32 PM
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"A new scientific study shows rats are capable of laughter if they are tickled the correct way. The rats were like, 'Why aren't you trying to cure cancer?'" -Seth Meyers


***

"In the U.K., they're launching an official Quidditch League, with eight teams competing across the country. It's the first sports league where everyone has an equal chance of being a loser." -Conan O'Brien


***

"McDonald's is unveiling something called a Nutella burger at its locations in Italy. This goes against the traditional way of eating Nutella, which is with two fingers in the dark while crying at 3 a.m." -James Corden


***
 
  #2006  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:32 PM
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Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it.

If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
 
  #2007  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:33 PM
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Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
  #2008  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:34 PM
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"A pair of tickets to Game 7 sold on StubHub for almost $40,000. And the couple still left in the seventh inning to beat traffic. 'Get your purse, Linda, we'll catch the end on the radio.'" -Jimmy Fallon


***

"There's an event company that specializes in fake weddings. The idea is that many young people don't want to get married but they do want a wedding, so the company puts on a fake ceremony and a fake reception. I can't imagine writing 'Will attend' on an RSVP for a fake wedding. There are already weddings for people who don't want to get married - they're called weddings." -Jimmy Kimmel


***

"The FDA is currently debating whether the chocolate hazelnut topping Nutella should be classified as a dessert or a spread. Which is ridiculous. Nutella isn't a dessert or a spread, it's a cry for help." -James Corden
 
  #2009  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:34 PM
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On our way to the ski hill, my friend's children decided to "find me a man" by the end of the day.

The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone and therefore, in their minds, single.

To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift. As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age said "Excuse me, but are you single?"

Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."

He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."
 
  #2010  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:35 PM
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Because of the reaction people have when they wake up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.

Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's er- roneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, people often go out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.
 
  #2011  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:36 PM
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"Tomorrow we will elect either Biff from 'Back to the Future' or one of the robots from 'Westworld.' You will decide." -Jimmy Kimmel


***

"This weekend, aides to Donald Trump have finally wrested away his Twitter account. What?! You can't take away Trump's Twitter account! That's like taking away Batman's utility belt! All you're left with is a billionaire with anger issues." -Stephen Colbert


***

"A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients' symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have 'Server Not Responding.'" -Jimmy Fallon
 
  #2012  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:37 PM
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A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you this fine day?"

"I'm the Class of 2012, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

"Congratulations," said the driver reaching back to shake the young man's hand. "I'm Mitch. Harvard Class of '79."
 
  #2013  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:37 PM
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A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
 
  #2014  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:38 PM
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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.


***

When my wife gets upset, sometimes a simple 'Calm down, Honey' in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot more upset.


***

"I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the house." --Tom Hertz
 
  #2015  
Old 11-19-2016, 08:39 PM
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My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, "Don't shoot!"

The hunter responded, "Don't quack."



I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous. "This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure," the anesthesiologist reassured me. I started to feel better until he continued, "Heck, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery."
 
  #2016  
Old 11-19-2016, 09:40 PM
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I took this on Fri coming out of Ft Lauderdale...


 
  #2017  
Old 11-22-2016, 08:02 PM
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  #2018  
Old 11-22-2016, 08:04 PM
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.....
 

Last edited by Jayt2; 11-23-2016 at 06:45 AM.
  #2019  
Old 11-23-2016, 09:44 AM
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If the Thanksgiving turkey is burnt...be thankful
Salmonella is no longer a concern
Pets won't pester you for scraps
Your broccoli tuna casserole will gain new appreciation
You'll get to the desserts faster
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches
Uncle Otis won't be walking around with his pants belt unbuckled
The smoke alarm was due for a test anyway.
 
  #2020  
Old 11-27-2016, 03:32 PM
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A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up...

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
 

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