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  #201  
Old 11-16-2011, 09:57 AM
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"Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses. But it's not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, you have to go outside and look at something." -Jimmy Fallon


***
"Scientists in California are developing a high-tech device that will tell obese people if they are eating too much and not exercising enough. That device is called 'a scale.'" -Conan O'Brien


***
"A huge 74-foot tall spruce is the new Christmas tree at NBC's Rockefeller Center. And in typical NBC fashion, the tree will be decorated, lit up for a few weeks, and then canceled." -Jay Leno
 
  #202  
Old 11-16-2011, 09:59 AM
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"According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!" --Jay Leno


***
"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything." --Conan O'Brien


***
"This is little strange. A couple in England named their new daughter Kia because she was delivered in the back seat of a Kia. No one was happier than her older brother Hospital Bed." -Jimmy Fallon
 
  #203  
Old 11-16-2011, 08:01 PM
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Ponderisms



1 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3
Life is sexually transmitted.

4
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal.

11
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingsand drink whatever comes out'?

13
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway?

15
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?






 
  #204  
Old 11-18-2011, 08:07 PM
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The phases of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
 
  #205  
Old 11-19-2011, 03:34 PM
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Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
 
  #206  
Old 11-19-2011, 04:18 PM
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There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.
Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago,
as Democrats
 
  #207  
Old 11-19-2011, 08:38 PM
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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with trembling hands, read the letter...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call me when it is safe for me to come home
 
  #208  
Old 11-20-2011, 03:40 PM
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'
 
  #209  
Old 11-20-2011, 03:40 PM
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump Off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So she does... And it was a long, passionate, lingering, thrilling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You could be famous. Why are you committing Suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl......"
 
  #210  
Old 11-21-2011, 09:47 AM
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The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for
this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his ******* was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move
caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Tom's *******, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his ******* should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 
  #211  
Old 11-22-2011, 11:02 AM
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An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa
 
  #212  
Old 11-22-2011, 08:52 PM
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GOTTA LOVE THIS COP

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for..

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."
 
  #213  
Old 11-23-2011, 08:35 PM
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The ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde Jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, I've heard enough of your stupid-*** blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the Community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, you stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** hole on your knee!"
 

Last edited by Jayt2; 11-23-2011 at 08:37 PM.
  #214  
Old 11-23-2011, 08:36 PM
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a
cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with Email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
Exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment
trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a
thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that
matter. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog!"
 
  #215  
Old 11-28-2011, 03:26 PM
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob : "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist : "Of course, we do."

Jacob : "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist : "All kinds."

Jacob : "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist : "Definitely."

Jacob : "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist : " You bet!"

Jacob : "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob : " What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?

Pharmacist : "Absolutely."

Jacob : "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist : "We sure do."

Jacob : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob : "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist : "Sure."

Jacob : " We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 
  #216  
Old 11-29-2011, 03:21 PM
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Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
 
  #217  
Old 11-29-2011, 03:22 PM
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' "

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago," the cowboy replied..
 
  #218  
Old 12-01-2011, 08:21 PM
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My darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick - up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

(The picture depicts a garage scene. The garage door is totally destroyed, and inside the garage is a pick up truck sitting on top of a Ferrari.)

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.
 
  #219  
Old 12-02-2011, 10:46 AM
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One day in the men's locker room at a gym, a man answers a cell phone ringing, "Hon, I stopped at the mall and I found this awesome fur coat for sale I was wondering, can I get it?" The man looks grim and asks, "How much does it cost sweetie?" the wife replies "Its only a thousand, please???" He looks regretfully and says "Sure, why not honey" The wife replies, "Thanks hon! awesome!... Ohh baby I just remembered that one SUV I wanted, I drove by the Mercedes-Benz dealer and they are having a huge sale! can I get it?" The man, appearing overwhelmed and confused, asks "how much are they asking for it?" The wife replies, "oh, its about 120k....???" The man quickly replies "Fine sweetie if your gonna spend that much I want it with ALL the options" the wife, very happy and thanking him, says "ok honey I'll see ya when I get home!" The man hangs up the phone, with a funny grin on his face, he turns around facing the 3 other men changing near him and he asks " Do you guys have any idea who's cell phone this might be?"
 
  #220  
Old 12-03-2011, 08:30 PM
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"Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' while Malia bought Barack 'Economics for Dummies.'" --comedian Jimmy Fallon
 

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