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  #3241  
Old 03-14-2019, 03:14 PM
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  #3242  
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  #3243  
Old 03-16-2019, 07:52 PM
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  #3244  
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  #3245  
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  #3246  
Old 03-18-2019, 07:47 PM
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  #3247  
Old 03-18-2019, 07:48 PM
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  #3248  
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  #3249  
Old 03-19-2019, 03:29 PM
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A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
 
  #3250  
Old Yesterday, 08:37 PM
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"The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence - also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk." -Jimmy Fallon
***
"An art gallery in Finland recently put on an exhibition of paintings created by a brown bear named Juuso. The exhibition sold 15 of the bear's paintings, raising $8,500. Fifteen paintings - that is 14 more paintings than Van Gogh sold in his entire lifetime." -James Corden
 
  #3251  
Old Yesterday, 08:37 PM
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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.
 
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  #3252  
Old Yesterday, 08:38 PM
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It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.

The question was "If H2O if water, what is H2O4?"

This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.

Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, cleaning..
 
  #3253  
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"The CEO of Starbucks has pledged to hire 10,000 refugees. So if you think they're writing your name incorrectly on the cups now..." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The world's first supermarket chain to only sell vegan foods, which was called Veganz with a 'z,' has announced they will have to declare bankruptcy and shut all their stores. When asked what went wrong, the vegan supermarket said, 'We're a vegan supermarket.'" -James Corden
***
"Kim Kardashian said during a Q & A yesterday that she'd like to take a selfie with Jesus. Though I think most people would say that Jesus has suffered enough." -Seth Meyers
 
  #3254  
Old Yesterday, 08:39 PM
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"Hooters is opening a new chain of restaurant called Hoots, where they're ditching their revealing outfits. They're going to have male servers aaaand... they just went out of business." -Jimmy Fallon
***
"The Westminster Dog Show has added three new breeds to its annual events. Said the dogs, 'Yeah, last year's after party got pretty wild.'" -Seth Meyers
***
"There is a new restaurant in Spain that just opened where everybody dines in the restaurant completely naked. And you thought it was awkward going to dinner with your parents before." -James Corden
 
  #3255  
Old Yesterday, 08:39 PM
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I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I'll see."

He stepped into the bathroom and flushed the toilet and a second later a sharp yell came from upstairs.

My nephew walked back out and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
 
  #3256  
Old Yesterday, 08:40 PM
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The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a fine hotel in Mexico City.

Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees. Morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?
G: What?

RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?

RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so

RS: No? Judo one san toes?
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one san toes means."

RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?
G: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter--just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?

RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

RS: One Minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy--rye?
G: Whatever you say.

RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.
 
  #3257  
Old Yesterday, 08:41 PM
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"The world's most expensive Lego brick, made out of 14 karat gold, just sold online for $15,000. The new owner says he's pleased to add it to his collection and it just got vacuumed up by his mom." -Jimmy Fallon
***
"Advertisers paid more than $5 million for a 30-second Super Bowl commercial, which seems like too much money to remind us that avocados exist. Isn't running an ad for avocados on Super Bowl Sunday too late? It's the one day of the year we're already eating avocados." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A man ate 409 chicken wings to become champion of Philadelphia's Wing Bowl over the weekend, which was unfortunately too many words to fit on his tombstone." -Seth Meyers
 
  #3258  
Old Yesterday, 08:41 PM
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1. Going to bed early
2. Not leaving my house
3. Not going to a party

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
 
  #3259  
Old Yesterday, 08:42 PM
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"We're now less than a week away from V-Day. Valentine's Day is a test. It's a test of your commitment, your preparedness, a test of whether you love someone enough to waste $100 on flowers that on any other day of the year would cost you $30." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"On Monday in Vermont, a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and spilled all over the highway. Luckily, it broad-sided a French toast truck." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Merriam-Webster dictionary added over 1,000 new words today, including the word 'photobomb.' They didn't WANT to add 'photobomb,' but it jumped in at the last second and kinda ruined the dictionary." -Jimmy Fallon
 
  #3260  
Old Yesterday, 08:43 PM
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
 

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