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Old 07-27-2011, 03:53 PM
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand".

Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folk think
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Old 07-27-2011, 04:13 PM
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I'm loving them even though I don't remark about them all!
Old 07-27-2011, 08:31 PM
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Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: "President Joe Biden." ----Jay Leno
Old 07-28-2011, 04:24 PM
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Old 07-28-2011, 05:14 PM
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Settling a cow case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:06 PM
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Pessimist and a dog
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:23 AM
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President Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter. ---Jay Leno

Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar. Trebek insists that at no time was he in jeopardy, or double jeopardy. ----Conan

NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, "One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac." ---Jimmy Fallon
Old 07-29-2011, 11:44 AM
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger
seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have
cruise control."

As the officer writes out thet ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer! Only when he's been drinking."
Old 07-29-2011, 12:58 PM
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Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the people.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the
concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your
own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the
Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep ****."
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:08 AM
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Why We Have a Debt Crisis in America

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C. - one from Texas, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with Obama's Fence Czar to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor, Jonathan, takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

Cletus, the Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

Jose from El Paso, Texas doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Czar and whispers, "$2,700".

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

Jose whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

To which the Fence Czar responds with a big grin and a handshake saying "DEAL!"

And THAT, boys and girls is how it's done in Washington!
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:15 AM
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Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays.

This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection.

The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:31 AM
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All Gassers! Love them!
Old 07-30-2011, 10:14 AM
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It's bear migration season and a large black bear climbed a big oak tree in Joe's front yard two days ago and has refused all of Joe's efforts to get him to come down. Joe's wife is beyond hysterical now so he decides to search the Yellow Pages for "pest removal". After making a few anxious phone calls, he reaches an actual guy instead of an answering machine, explains his predicament, and the guy agrees to take the job and says he'll be there in 30 minutes.

Sure enough, a half-hour later a beat-up, rusted-out pick-up truck with a snarling, foaming-at-the-mouth Rottweiler chained up in the truck bed pulls into Joe's driveway. The driver gets out of the truck, grabs a big net and a rifle from the bed of the truck, and drags the Rottweiler out of the truck by his chain. He struggles over to Joe standing near the tree and says, "I'll need your help. Here's what we're gonna do. You hold Ol' Roscoe here with all your might. I'm going to climb the tree and get to wrasslin' with that bear. When I finally knock him down out of it, as soon as he hits the ground you let go of Ol' Roscoe's chain. He's going to jump on that bear and bite him in the nuts and not let go no matter what that bear does to him and there's going to be a tumultuous uproar while the two of them roll around on the ground for about 30 seconds. That will give me enough time to climb down out of the tree and throw my big net over the bear. Now, you got that, Joe?"

"Sure do", Joe says. "But tell me, what's the rifle for?"

The guy says, "Keep the rifle right next to you. If the bear knocks ME out of the tree, you shoot that damn dog in the head...."

Last edited by Jon89; 07-30-2011 at 10:16 AM.
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Old 07-30-2011, 10:47 AM
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The Male Cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big breasts.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big breasts.
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Old 07-30-2011, 10:52 AM
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"The White Trash Book of Manners"

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

**** DINING OUT ****
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs.

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days; however, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

**** DATING (Outside the Family) ****
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

**** WEDDINGS ****
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records
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Old 07-30-2011, 11:09 AM
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The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Old 07-30-2011, 05:02 PM
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These are great fun! I'm passing them on to entertain my friends! lol
Old 07-30-2011, 09:25 PM
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The Green Thing--You WILL Love This
The Green Thing
In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
The Green Thing
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:03 AM
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A kindly old mailman was making his rounds on December 24th. He had been on the job 25 years, and had good rapport with all of his customers. They all loved him. At practically every stop and every box, he was greeted with cookies, cakes, pies, gift cards, and much more. His truck was almost full with all of these special treats!

At one stop was a blonde woman who was beautiful. He thought many times about how delightful it would be to be with her! When he put the mail in the slot, the door opened, and the beautiful blonde was standing in front of him wearing a very skimpy, very sexy red negligee and 4" red heels.

The mailman's face quickly matched the color of the blonde's attire, and he turned away quickly. But she tapped him on the shoulder, and when he faced her, she motioned him inside. The mailman was semi-relieved to see that she had motioned him to the kitchen. On every table, stand, and on every inch of the counter were all of his favorite breakfast items. Sausage, gravy, bacon, scrambled eggs, boiled eggs, poached eggs, eggs over easy, biscuits, Texas toast, breakfast rolls, grape jelly, strawberry jelly, jam, and country butter. There were fresh fruits, waffles, pancakes, whipped cream, orange juice, apple juice, milk, and grapefruit juice.

"This is for you, Mr. Kimble!", and she took him by the hand and led him to the dining room. She seated him, put a napkin in his lamp, and said "I'll bring the first course." For an hour, the beautiful blonde woman brought course after course, treat after treat, all cooked and prepared to amazing perfection. He knew that he had never had a meal at any time of any day that had ever come close to the treat that he just had.

Totally fulfilled, he stood up from the table, but when he reached for his hat, the blonde stopped him. She motioned him to come with her. She walked slowly through the house, then up the steps, into the bedroom. She quickly stripped, then stripped the mailman, and they made passionate love for over an hour! The mailman was sure that he would collapse from the excitement! He had had two once-in-a-lifetime experiences in as many hours. He was very happy and content!

Now dressed, the mailman sheepishly gathered his things, thanked the woman with a kiss on the cheek, then a hug. He said goodbye, but the beautiful blonde woman stopped him hurriedly. "One minute, Mr. Kimble! Please wait!" She grabbed her purse, pulled out two one-dollar bills, and handed them to the mailman. "This is for you!" she smiled.

The mailman said "Ma'am, I gotta tell ya, I've gotten many gifts today, but even in my whole career, I've never experienced a gift like this! So I thank you from the bottom of my heart! But I must ask you about the two dollars....."

"Well Mr. Kimble," she said "This morning I told my husband that you've been doing this route for 25 years, and this Christmas, I wanted to do something really special for you. My husband said 'Screw him! Give him two bucks!'

The breakfast was my idea."
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Old 08-01-2011, 04:05 PM
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I'm sure some of y'all have seen this before .... well, here it is again.
Not a "joke", per se, but pretty doggone funny!

The infamous eBay auction for:

Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke

Name:  smoke2.jpg
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Have you inadvertantly let the smoke out of the wires on your classic British car? This, then, is the solution to your problem!

Here is presented for your perusal one Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke kit, P/N 530433, along with the very rare Churchill Tool 18G548BS adapter tube and metering valve. These kits were supplied surreptitiously to Lucas factory technicians as a trouble-shooting and repair aid for the rectification of chronic electrical problems on a plethora of British cars. The smoke is metered, through the fuse box, into the circuit which has released it's original smoke until the leak is located and repaired. The affected circuit is then rectified and the replacement smoke re-introduced. An advantage over the cheap repro smoke kits currently available is the exceptionally rare Churchill metering valve and fuse box adapter. It enables the intrepid and highly skilled British Car Technician to meter the precise amount of genuine Lucas smoke required by the circuit.

Unlike the cheap, far-eastern replacement DIY smoke offered by the "usual suppliers", this kit includes a filter to ensure that all the smoke is of consistent size, It has been our experience in our shop that the reproduction Tiawanese smoke is often "lumpy", which will cause excessive resistance in our finely-engineered British harnesses and components. This is often the cause of failure in the repro electrical parts currently available, causing much consternation and misplaced cursing of the big three suppliers.

These kits have long been the secret weapon of the "Ultimate Authorities" in the trade, and this may be the last one available. Be forewarned, though, that it is not applicable to any British vehicle built after the discontinuing of bullet connectors, so you Range Rover types are still on your own...

This Genuine Factory Authorised kit contains enough smoke to recharge the entire window circuit on a 420 Jaguar, and my dear friend and advisor George Wolf of British Auto Specialty assures me that he can replace ALL the smoke in a W&F Barrett All-Weather Invalid Car(147 CC) with enough left over to test a whole box of Wind-Tone horns for escaped smoke. How much more of an endorsement do you need?

More, you say? Well, I once let the smoke out of the overdrive wiring on my friend Roger Hankey's TR3B, and was able to drive over 200 miles home from The Roadster Factory Summer Party by carefully introducing smoke into the failed circuit WITHOUT even properly repairing the leak. Another friend, Richard Stephenson, was able to repair the cooling fan circuit of his Series 1 E-type by merely replacing a fuse and injecting a small quantity of smoke back into the wires. So there!

So, if you're troubled by lost smoke, bid early and bid often! Thanks for looking!

Here's a few of the 70 of questions asked!

Q: I have a fourteen year old son named Lucas who I have caught several times in the back of the garage smoking. Can this item help him to respect a little firm parental intervention and aid him in smoking less...or even stopping altogether?

A: Part of the problem may be the fact that you named your son after the Prince Of Darkness. Mayhaps you should be happy that all you have caught him doing in the back of the garage is smoking! My suggestion is: since you already have spoiled him for life with his moniker, you search the 'Bay for a proper Little British Car to restore as a father-and-son project. That way, he'll have a way to fill the idle hours he'd have spent chasing girls had he been named Rocky or something more suitable. Plus, he'll learn first-handed how disgusting smoke can be. Alas, though, not with this unit, because whilst trying to photograph it for a spread in "Popular Ether Technology", it was unfortunately broken. Therefore, the auction must be terminated early. Thanks for the heartwarming interest!

Q:Once I have re-introduced smoke into my TR-2, do you warranty that it's system will resume operating at the speed of dark?

A: If you reintroduce the smoke through a microwave oven, you may even go back in time!

Q: I have been very diligent over the years and have maintained the smoke in my Sunbeam's wires perfectly. The problem is that that special Lucas perfume has disappeared from the dash, carpets and seats. In fact, at the last Concours d'Elegance I lost out to a frogeye with period odors. Is the smoke in your kit fresh enough to bring back the OEM smells of burning plastic and bakelite and are you including an adapter to replace same.

A: No adapter needed, but have you tried just STARTING that overrestored trailer queen? It might bring back the aroma by itself.

Q: This has been a most informative thread which set me off thinking about wider global environmental changes that have happened since the mid 70's. Could it be that the copious release of smoke from Lucas wiring looms around that time has significantly contributed to the holes in the ozone layer and the onset of global warming? Could it be that, had your excellent device been more available at that time, we could have saved the planet for future generations instead of fighting a rear guard action? Hindsight is such a wonderful thing isn't it.

A:Hey- This is a serious site- we're not discussing "junk science" like Global Climate Change!

Q: I have a questions. My object is to restore a the few pre-Chrysler Rootes Sunbeam Tigers to original factory condition, with ALL the LAT racing options. So far, I have been quite successful, but unaware of your Lucas Smoke Kit. I am perplexed as to it's satisfactory application to this original British Classic that Mr. Carroll Shelby has enhanced with a lot of Ford (USA) parts. This includes a large portion, but not all, of the electrics. It is very easy to differentiate between the Lucas Parts and the Ford Parts, as the Ford Parts still work. While we can admire Mr. Lucas for the development of the intermittent windshield wiper, the self-dimming lighting system, and the colorful turn signal spark generator, it is unclear whether your offering will work satisfactorily with so much of the electrics originating in the US. Is this device compatible, as the US parts do not show signs of leaking smoke?

A: The Lucas smoke may cause failure of the connecting interstices, but then, so will everything else.

Q: Maybe you can help me. I have an old generator that I have suspected of having a metaphysical ozone leak for several years. It’s one of those things I feel I know to be true but cannot prove. Anyway, through an ingenious marriage of a Sharper Image Ionic Breeze air purifier and a breast milk pump, (by the way, both were obtained on eBay) I have devised a way to recharge the ozone that I can smell leaking from the generator. But, you guessed it, when I disconnect the wiring to introduce the replacement ozone I invariably cause a smoke leak. Do you think there is a way to mate our two machines in such a way that I could “kill two birds with a single stone” – if you will.

A: That's just wrong.

Q: Can I use this device to replace the smoke in my Alfa Spider? Is Brit smoke the same as Italian smoke?

A:Only if it's pre-Bosch.

Q: Will this kit put back ALL the smoke in a 1975 Midget wire harness? Some time ago while driving our 75 Midget smoke began pouring from under the hood, after pulling over, smoke was immediately followed by flames. A HUGE amount of smoke was lost from the wire harness (10 minutes worth before the fire department showed up). Your jar appears to be too small to contain the volume of smoke produced by the Midget on that day. Please specify quantity of smoke. PS - Would you know where can get bulk replacement glue on insulation, there is none left on any part of the wire harness under the hood. The harness appears to be intact but is lacking smoke holding insulation. I'm planning on rerouting the main power buss from over top of the fuel line. This way next time I will have smoke, red hot wires without melting thru the fuel line. Thanks in advance.

A: You'll need bulk smoke, but I'd try your last suggestion before ordering any. Good luck!

Q: Is this setup on the "metric system" or can it be used universally? I have a MB 380SL but have replaced some of the wiring with U.S. products. Will your product make the transition? Also, are there any EPA limitations on shipping?

A: This setup is Whitworth only. sorry.

Q: As you may or may not know, the Japanese 'borrowed' heavily from British designs back in the 50's and 60's. In fact, the Skinner Union carbs on my beloved Datsun 1600 roadster were actually built by Hitachi under license. Also, most of the electrical devises in early Datsuns were copied from Lucas. That said, do you know if an adapter is available to use the Lucas Kit you offer on a Datsun 1600 or do I need to keep searching for the Hitachi/Mitsiubshi version? Thanks, Paul

A: It sort of worked in my Datsun 410 Station Wagon, but the lights all shined in instead of out. It was quite disturbing...

Q: Does this unit contain new or re-cycled smoke and will it work in my 1966 Triumph Bonneville motorcycle?

A: This is new, previously un-leaked smoke, as originally installed on your T-120. Have at it!

Q: Would this product fix the Miller dynamo on my motorbike? The smoke got out of it years ago and I am in despair. Having to run a total loss electrical system now. Please, no smart-alec comments about nothing to lose. I have been desperate for a cure for years and will jump at anything. I get so depressed. But I really liked your answers to all the questions. I learned so much. You must be smart. What are some good upgrades for my bike? Should I get a Boyer electronic ignition?

A: Probably.

Q: It looks like a self contained, auto smoking, environmentally enclosed, smoke recirculation, multi-smoker bong I created in the late '60s. The only thing missing is the air manifold (from a fish tank set-up) to hook up the individual smoking tubes. Are you sure you didn’t get this idea from me, when we were smoking that wacky tobacco one time?

A: Could be. I can't remember.

Q: I have the identical part but needs the smoke refill cartage, i was told to ring 84433 3-33888444555 or speed dial 666 is that you?

A: No, that's that shop in Michigan.

Q: Do you have any idea if the kit will work on Alfa Romeos? My 1963 Giulia has bullet connectors, a Lucas windshield wiper motor, and a variety of other Lucas components. Earlier Alfas had lots more Lucas stuff, such as starter motor and generator, so I imagine it's more suited to them. On a different note, did Alfa's change from Lucas to Bosch signify the end of the of the 'Italian masochistic' era?

A: This will work with the Lucas portions. The Bosch change was a misbegotten effort to work around the simultaneous Italian/British Stevedore Strikes of the early 70s.


A: Got me. I got my VIC-20 to run one game of "Hangman" with just a spritz, though.

Q: Enough, enough already! I cannot allow you to perpetuate this lowbrow fraud any longer! Anyone with any knowledge of Lucas products should recognize that the Lucas label art on the jar is wrong for this early version of the smoke kit. And of course, the lid should be black with the valve oriented 180º to the label. The smoke color itself is not original to the early cloth insulated wiring and perhaps even for the early plastic insulation. Bidders beware, this is most certainly a replica, and a poor one at that — possibly from Taiwan. Additionally, the smoke replacement kit was meant to be used only by highly qualified personnel. The dangers of misuse are indescribable - certainly I can't…, but the phrase "gone up in smoke" was born of this process.

A: Oh, yeah? well, in the interest of openness, I'm going to place your tirade on the site. That doesn't mean I like it, though.

Q: I wonder if you would do an exchange (with a cash adjustment in my favour). I have some bottles of 'bottom air' that was supplied by Dunlop many years ago. The advantage is that it takes up very little space as of course when you get a flat the top air in the tyre remains perfectly serviceable, it's only the bottom air that needs replacing. I will wait your reply. All the best from the UK.

A: If this is the proper bottom air for a set of 4.00X 10 Gold Seals, we may be able to work a deal. We have a '68 Moke in the shop with original rubber, and the domestic bottom air keeps migrating out. It evidently doesn't have enough atmospheric British ambient smoke to fill the pores in the tyres.

Q: My brother Joe is currently (well last 8 years) working on a mini and he's never managed to get ANY smoke out of it yet. Would it be possible to use this kit to make some come out of other parts of the car - not just the wiring loom. I was thinking mainly about the exhaust...

A: No.

Q: Geez, I wish I had seen this auction before I bought some "off-shore" smoke. I didn't realize there was some OEM stuff left. To make matters worse, I switched to synthetic smoke (yeah, I know) but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Unfortunately for my 72 Range Rover, I have not yet been able to fashion an effective bypass for the optional Fairey smoke pump which has recently failed. If only you could have made this item available earlier!

A: Oh well.
The following 3 users liked this post by retromotors:
2ManyCars (04-11-2013), nail18974 (03-14-2015), TurboR (12-19-2012)

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