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  #1001  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:24 PM
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"A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more
attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an
accordion will die alone." -Jimmy Fallon


***

"NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here
are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and
insane." -David Letterman


***

"Giant African land snails have been found in Florida and Texas. If you're
in Houston and you see a giant snail coming toward you, walk slowly for
your life." -Jimmy Kimmel
 
  #1002  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:25 PM
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Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with
it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car
unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came
alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle
bracelet monitor is talking to you."
 
  #1003  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:26 PM
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I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just
written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse,
she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her
name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
 
  #1004  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:27 PM
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"A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a
person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they're humble. If they
cover it, they're respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they're
standing next to you on the subway." -Jimmy Fallon


***

"There is a big movie out today: 'The Great Gatsby.' They should have
jazzed up the movie's title. They should have called it something like '2 Fast
2 Gatsby.'" -Craig Ferguson


***

"The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since
last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery." -David
Letterman
 
  #1005  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:28 PM
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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted
each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to
drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway,
and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at
him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
 
  #1006  
Old 06-03-2013, 02:59 PM
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We've all talked to this guy.


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.

It is a simple test of your English language skills.
Unless you pass it
, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,

'You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow,
Pink,and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes
green, green,
And I
pink it up, and say,
Yellow
, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.


 
  #1007  
Old 06-03-2013, 03:06 PM
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An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by *ing and moaning.
 
  #1008  
Old 06-03-2013, 06:27 PM
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"THE BLONDE AND THE COW"


A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.




One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.'I came to inseminate the cow', he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here'.

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, says,
'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple." she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explainsvery confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on, she replied."

(It'snice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
 
  #1009  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:42 PM
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Default Michael Douglas

Oral sex? Michael Douglas? Definitely fodder for late-night jokesters. Here are some of the cracks from Monday monologues:

Conan O'Brien:
"In a new interview, Michael Douglas says his throat cancer was caused by performing oral sex on too many women. The interview appears in the Journal of Overcompensating for Having Just Played Liberace."

Jay Leno:
"In an interview with The Guardian, Michael Douglas said he got throat cancer from oral sex. He says he's been cancer free for two years. Obviously, he's not going down without a fight, it's safe to say."

"Michael said he's trying to remember the name of the woman who gave it to him. It's right on the tip of his tongue ..."

"You know what this means. Remember that scene with Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? He was staring cancer in the face. That's what that means. ...

"So, oral sex can cause cancer. I don't know if that's covered under Obamacare? But you can be damn sure it would have been covered under Clinton care!"

Jimmy Fallon:
"So Michael Douglas had an interesting weekend. He was doing some interviews ... and apparently he claimed he got his throat cancer from years of giving women oral sex. Or as Catherine Zeta-Jones put it, 'How 'bout we just say smoking!' "
 
  #1010  
Old 06-05-2013, 08:03 PM
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"You know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George
Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington
couldn't tell a lie." -Jay Leno


***

"More than a million people gathered in our nation's capital yesterday,
and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady's new
haircut. Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans
are demanding further cuts." -Jimmy Kimmel


***

"Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to re-marry his ex-wife and
might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be
known as a wedding vow." -Conan O'Brien
 
  #1011  
Old 06-05-2013, 08:04 PM
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***

My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone's well-intentioned
advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was
impressed.

"I have to hand it to Pat," she told me. "She really is smart. Not
Jeopardy! smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart."



"A survey found that 61 percent of people are more afraid of outliving
their money than dying. The other 39 percent have already outlived their money
and have faked their own death to avoid creditors." -Jay Leno


***

"Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one
thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco." -Conan O'Brien


***

"Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. So on the
downside, hundreds of clowns will lose their jobs. But on the bright side,
it'll free up, like, two spaces in the parking lot." -Jimmy Fallon
 
  #1012  
Old 06-08-2013, 08:16 PM
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"The Sundance Film Festival begins today. The jury is choosing among 87
different films. I don't know if I could be a judge. Watching five movies a
day sounds exhausting. But maybe that's just a sign of how out of shape I
am." -Craig Ferguson


***

"According to a new study, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online
dating websites. Researchers said they were surprised by how many people
actually hate long walks on the beach at sunset." -Jay Leno


***

"A school in New Zealand discovered that a model skeleton for an anatomy
class was actually a real human skeleton. Yeah, they made the realization
when they noticed they hadn't seen their anatomy teacher in about eight
months." -Jimmy Fallon
 
  #1013  
Old 06-08-2013, 08:16 PM
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"A recent article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. It's not
surprising that yoga fans are upset with this article. After all, it's easy for
them to get bent out of shape." -Craig Ferguson


***

"A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie
Brown on TV. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not
have the money to post bail. You know why? He's working for peanuts." -Jay
Leno


***

"New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now
they're taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of
clutter. Radioactive steam not a problem. City buses disappearing into
potholes not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel not a problem." -Dave
Letterman
 
  #1014  
Old 06-08-2013, 08:18 PM
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"A company announced they are now selling waffle-flavored vodka. Who is
this for, the drunks that still think breakfast is the most important meal of
the day?" -Jay Leno


***

"Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis once again denied using the banned substance
deer antler velvet extract. Before you kids start using the deer antler
spray, there are a couple of side effects. Number one, skittishness. And
number two, freezing in headlights." -Dave Letterman


***

"Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their
contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the
football game or as those researchers put it, 'Man, high school never
ends, does it?'" -Jimmy Fallon
 
  #1015  
Old 06-08-2013, 08:19 PM
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"A lot of people make money off of weddings, such as caterers,
photographers, and divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson


***

"Hard to believe it's February. The Super Bowl is over. The football season
is over. You know what that means guys... It's time to take down those
Christmas lights." --Jay Leno


***

"A new study found that running for two minutes is just as good for you as
working out for 90 minutes. That doesn't sound like a study it sounds like
something a chubby guy says after being on the treadmill for two minutes."
-Jimmy Fallon
 
  #1016  
Old 06-08-2013, 08:20 PM
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***

One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my parents' house. In the
morning, a neighbor called to tell me that my water pipes had burst and flooded
my town house and hers. I raced homeand on the way got a speeding ticket.

Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me he didn't think he had the
proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes
in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.

When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. "I had the right
one after all," he said triumphantly. "This must be your lucky day."
 
  #1017  
Old 06-08-2013, 08:20 PM
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Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I have decided. One lunchtime I
watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and
noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I
ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."

"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
 
  #1018  
Old 06-08-2013, 08:21 PM
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"According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people
eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic
is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama's war on obesity is President
Obama's economic policy." -Jay Leno


***

"The Canadians got rid of their penny today. There are no more one-cent
coins in Canada. So now if you're in Canada, and say to someone 'a penny for
your thoughts,' that is now illegal. They will put you in jail." -Craig
Ferguson


***

"A French tattoo artist met a young lady and less than 24 hours after they
met, she allowed him to tattoo his name on her face. That means she either
really loves him or really hates her parents." -Jimmy Kimmel
 
  #1019  
Old 06-09-2013, 03:05 PM
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In a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were
given an awkward question to answer:

If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of
you would disembark immediately?

Among the many raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what
HE would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay on board.
With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as
far as the end of the runway, let alone leave the ground!
 
  #1020  
Old 06-09-2013, 03:06 PM
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Real Letters to Pastors:

"Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a
sermon about something." Robert, age 11, Anderson

"Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you
moved it to Disneyland." Loreen, age 9, Tacoma

"Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was
finished." Ralph, age 11, Akron


"People who murder a lot of people are called masked murderers."

"The person was an innocent by standard, who just happened to be the
victim of your friend's careless responsibility."

"Another effect of smoking is it may give you cancer of the thought."

"The children of lesbian couples receive as much neutering as those of
other couples."

"Benjamin Franklin discovered America while fling a kite."

"Keith helps me to have good self-a-steam."

"For example, one homeless person lives under a bride in Lanham, Md."

"Jogging on a woman's ovaries can be dangerous to her health."

"The French benefits of this job are good."
 

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