wtf I went to park my Jag as normal, turned off the car, but the gear lever isn't budging and I'm stuck in D. and my car is refusing to start up again or let me take my key out. How can I fix this?

 

Turn your ignition key to II and with your foot on the brake try to get the gear selector out of D . You can also start it in N .
Keep up informed hopefully it's as that simple

 

No.. the gear selector isn't budging

 

you may have tripped your inertia shutoff switch. it is located behind the carpet in the passenger footwell. would be worth a check

 

Sorry but I'm not seeing this switch? How exactly do you get to it?

 

The inertia switch won't have anything to do with you being stuck in "D". It can keep you from getting out of "Park" though.

Sounds like your shift select cable has seized. You probably won't fix that without a new cable. Sometimes that can be caused/aggravated by a broken engine ground strap. If that happens the cable can be the best route for starter motor current in it's absence. That will make it heat up and get stiff or seize. Have you noticed any weird electrical gremlins or odd cranking lately??

Cheers,

 

Yes, the temperature readout would say "Er," and beep several times upon starting the car

 

That would be a separate issue with the climate control. Well, most likely a separate issue. Attached is the diagnostic section of the manual that will help you figure out where the fault might be.

Good luck!