Yeah that's my bad, I didn't go far enough to get to the cylinders. Sparkplug well #1*

The coil seals were getting some wear but nothing like the photos you posted, as far as I could tell.

Let's hope I don't have to, though if I do it will be at least quicker to do.

 

So... I get into the car and hear rapid beeping lasting some 5-10 seconds then it stops. I open the door and it happens again. I go ahead and replaced the battery but the car still won't start or crank, the starter isn't clicking either. Not entirely sure what's going on now considering I drove out of the garage and another 100 meters before this.

 

New batteries are rarely fully charged, though it is rare to buy and install one that won't even get you a crank. The beeping is likely the EPB trying to draw your attention to the info center where it is telling you, "Apply parking brake" or some such thing. Look in the stickies, there's a thread about all the procedures you are supposed to go through after battery disconnection including park brake reset, window calibration and throttle calibration. None of that should prevent the engine from cranking. Seems I recall quite a few threads here, though along the lines of, "I replaced the battery and now it won't start" maybe search those out and see what the resolution was.

 

Sounds like bad power... failing battery is #1 suspect but could be bad power/ground connection.

 

I'll just leave this here...

 

After googling and searching here, finding worse case scenarios like; bad starter/connections, fuse box corrosion, bad harness cables and all around bad **** I came across the issue some have with the J-Gate. Mine would not let me out of Park and some people's symptoms, no-crank no-start.

Noticed my gear selector's lights weren't illuminated so the Internet's conclusion was something on the line of "the J-Gate and transmission's gear dont' match" hence no-crank no-start. Took the plate off and manually moved the selector out of Park where then I could freely move it to Drive and back into Park. Now she starts right up without issue. Needing to do grocery shopping I will recheck the idle RPM again.

 

More details about how the J-gate lights get their signal to illuminate and also allow the starter to engage:

https://www.jaguarforums.com/forum/s...-usual-184878/

https://www.jaguarforums.com/forum/s...thread-184773/

https://www.jaguarforums.com/forum/s...-p1797-142604/


On 2003+ cars, the shift cable is notorious for loosening from the transmission. Look where the cable attaches and you should see two small bolts. They back out and suddenly the cable is no longer able to move the input mechanism on the transmission. With this type of failure, the transmission will be stuck wherever it was when the bolts worked loose. Most likely it would be stuck so as to turn on one light (not necessarily P or N needed to start), but it could be between two positions so no light is on. I'd check that before going into FullPanicMode(tm) and worrying about other possibilities.

 

Recalibrated throttle body. At start-up the engine idles at 1,000 RPM then decreases to 750 RPM shortly after. I took the car to O'reilly to turn in the old battery for the desposal deposit back and while I was there I got an OBD reading. Codes 1313 and 1316 were now gone, asked to clear the codes and the employee did so on the down-low. Check engine light is now off and hasn't thrown any codes as of yet. will watch for irregularities but so far everything seems OK.

 

Check those 2 trans bolts (8mm hex head)! Loose or absent is quite likely.

Side of the trans, underneath the car, where the shifter cable enters the trans.