BOW DOWN TO ME, PATHETIC MORTALS, FOR I HAVE A LOUD ENGINE

by SUSIE AQUILINA

"It has arrived, oh feeble ones, the time for my automobile to barrel through your vicinity and announce my prowess—my vital and irrefutable masculinity. How is it that you know of my unquestioned and eternal virility? I have a vehicle that goes vroom vroom!

Oh, how I pity you, you mite of a human, sitting there in silence, with no engine to rev. How you must want for power, that which I possess. The power to irritate everyone within a two-mile radius. This sound that emanates from my swift movement, this amplified mechanical sputtering, exclaims to all my undisputed vigor.
Cast all of your attention in my direction and recognize my ironclad manliness, that which is made clear by my ability to have my car’s muffler removed. Were you contemplating the beauty of the mountains? Perhaps you may have been admiring the nimble rhythm of a butterfly’s wings? Well, now you can consider the din of this machine that I own and how it is a manifestation of my infinite potency.Throughout the ages, philosophers have pondered immortality. How might we outlast the corporeal limits of human frailty? Friend, I have tasted that ambrosia. That nectar of everlasting youth and strength. It is forcing every living creature in your neighborhood to be aware, if only for thirty seconds, that I am male and I can drive twenty miles over the speed limit.

My need to awaken you at 3 AM on a Tuesday is in no way a reflection of a gaping emptiness deep within the core of my being. I am definitely not running from the precarity and meaninglessness of existence that creeps along the edges of my consciousness. The nebulousness of identity and all its components — gender, age, sexuality, status — are not haunting me in my desperate need to cling to something that feels real and certain. My car goes fast and zooms so loud. And it’s red! What could be a more archetypal affirmation of my permanence in this universe?

And now, like a child steering his Hot Wheels on a plastic track, I will veer away and bid you adieu, leaving you in your effeminate and pathetic quietude. Until next time, you paltry and muted mollusk. We will meet again when I pierce your soft underbelly with the penetrating force of my motor’s noise. Well, it’s almost mine anyway. Only 27 payments left. I had to take out a bigger loan since my premiums are so high on account of my red car."

Sound (double entendre intended) familiar?

 

*looking at my red f type with carbon wing, downpipes, and vanity plate*


SUSIE NEEDS TO SHUT THE **** UP

 

Very nice. I feel so diminutive and inconsequential now.

"What could be a more archetype affirmation of my permanence in this universe?" (I love this sentence.) The best example I can think of is the little guy down the street with the giant lifted pickup that is definitely compensating for his obviously microscopic body part.

 

Yawn.

 

Susie's car may be blue. Blue just surpassed red as the most popular color for sports cars.

 

Oh Susie, you get me

 

I have to admit, that was funny.

 

"Quake with fear, you tiny fools!" -- Dr. Frank N. Furter

This reminds me: I need to get a bumper sticker that says "What are YOU compensating for?"

 

The most painful part when I bought my F-Type was having my "manhood" reduced by 75% ...

 

I think Susie must live near me

 

The things that some people will do in lieu of simply having a frank, civil conversation with their neighbor will never cease to astound me.

Susie - have you tried talking to the guy? Maybe he's a nice guy.

 

I reckon Susie is spot on, we should just embrace it

 

What’s funny is that when I walked into my Jag dealer in 2017 I was 80% sure of purchasing an F-Type based on everything I had watched and read about it and what sealed the deal was me asking my sales rep to fire one up in the garage! What does that say about me? I don’t give a f$Ck what it says about me 😂

 

exactly!! I had people parked by my house yesterday and had to angle out of the driveway and go the opposite direction and turn around in the clued sac - anyway, I’m rolling at a smooth 18mph and a guy I know (but likely
hasnt seen the car before I don’t drive it that often, yells for me to slow down in “this” neighborhood. First off, I live in this neighborhood, second, I wasn’t going above the speed limit, and third, I live at the corner of our semi private street and watch people blow the stop sign in front of my house all day everyday and drive in and out at an easy 40-45mph. I think the noise bothered him and his 1lb dog and I guarantee if I did the same speed in a Ford Focus nothing would have been said - although they may have called the cops - folks around around here are quick to engage the police. I would bet he’d enjoy that article just he enjoys completing his “honey do” list Every weekend so he can have more time to knit or try on more skinny jeans to fit in with the kids.

 

I've posted this before, but applies here. My neighbor wasn't thrilled with the sound of my car, especially at start up. I asked him if he would like to drive it and he said 'sure!'

So I tossed him the keys one Sunday morning, put it in dynamic, and didn't see him for 2 hours. The F-Type is pretty good at converting non-believers. Now this guy only smiles and waves, and will even feed my cat when I'm out of town.

I think toys are meant to be shared, and I'm always thrilled to turn people on to this unique car.

 

I never liked Susie with the barking dog.

 

sure would be nice to hear the roar.
How about posting an audio clip!
Bobmo

 

This would really upset Susie

 

I'm reminded of the motor cycle bumper sticker: "Loud Exhausts Save Lives"

 

Whenever a Harley Davidson roars past our house, my wife announces, deadpan, “Well, I’m moist.”