Hello
I'm not quite sure where to post this since it's an introduction but also an explanation of my situation and a cautious request for advice.

I'm just a normal guy living in the Czech Republic. Jaguars are pretty rare here and the exclusivity of the things, the look, the feel, really compelled me to buy one to replace my ancient and rusting Škoda Felicia.
I'm really not much of a driver, so I ended up getting a 2001 V6 automatic S-Type last Summer. The cost was very good and the car was in tiptop external and internal condition. The thing was obviously not used very often, the seats were barely cracked, the pedals weren't worn and the paintwork was almost immaculate.
I love the car, and despite very numerous small issues (bulbs bursting, battery issues) it worked quite nicely for what I needed. I can deal with small issues, if anything it's nice to fix small things occasionally. The higher cost of fuel was offset by the limited use it was getting.

Over winter though I began running into problems. The biggest of these was a massive battery drain meant that I started keeping jump leads in the boot permanently. Before I got round to buying a new battery it had started snowing, and since I'm a slightly very cautious and safe person I won't drive in the snow and ice and use public transport (trains) instead.
I arranged with my parents to let me use their drive to store the car over the winter (they weren't otherwise using it and after all, it's a pretty piece of eye candy to have sitting in your drive). I checked up on it a few times a month but generally it sat there for three months with a cover on during the worst of the cold. The battery was obviously getting weaker and weaker every time I checked up on it. About two weeks ago, I checked up on the car and the battery was beyond dead. Not that surprising.

The problem I have now is that the door lock seems to have seized up. I can't open the driver's door manually with the key (there is no other key slot) and I can't unlock the car with the electronic key because the battery is dead.

The boot still opens, giving me access to the battery, but either something is wrong with the battery charger I have or something is wrong with the battery because nothing happens when I try to charge it. Perhaps the fuse is blown?

Unfortunately, I cannot jumpstart the car, because it is currently facing the opposite way to the picture I will try to include with this post. Because of the length of the car, it needs to be moved right up to the garage door to open the gates. I would need 20+ft jump leads, which I don't have.

So to summarise:
I can't get into the car. The doorlock is completely seized up.
The battery is completely dead, all electronic systems are toast.
I CAN get into the boot, and access the battery, which is my saving grace.
I can't jumpstart the car because it is facing the wrong way.
I can't open the gates and roll the car out into the street to jump start it because it is too close to the gates.
I can't manoeuvre the car to be in a position to be rolled out into the street because I would have to push almost 2 tonnes of shiny blue metal up a steep incline (perspective makes it look flat- it really isn't). Besides, I can't get into the car in the first place to disengage the handbrake.
I can't charge the battery because the charger is not working.
(+ a few other minor issues).
My parents are also beginning to get angry. It's their drive after all and they need it for their own vehicles.

So I'm in a bit of a bind right now. Tomorrow I will go buy some fuses to try to get the charger to work. My hope is that I can get the battery charged to the point where the keychain opens the door electronically, at which point I can continue with general post winter maintenance.
I also am hoping that the door seizing up is caused by the extremely low power. The car had enough juice in it three weeks ago to turn the headlights and dashboard on and the door was working fine.
I am very hesitant about spraying WD40 into anything, especially a delicate locking mechanism, potentially gunking everything up. If this all fails and I am forced to call in a mechanic, I don't want to look like an idiot for making him work three times as hard to undo the damage I might cause.

So, I wasn't really sure which board to put this on, but figured I'd put it in with my intro to make it a bit more interesting and to avoid spamming up the boards. The picture is the only one I have where it is in a position similar to the one its in now.

Has anyone else had any of these issues?
Thanks for reading! I am glad I found these forums.

- Czech Jaguar owner

Hello, FRX,
Welcome to the forums from ElinorB.
(';')

Welcome aboard.

Welcome.

Welcome to the forum.

welcome to the forum - enjoy!!

Welcome to Jaguar Forums FRX,

Good to have you with us.
Can't you fold down the back seats and get in that way?
Enjoy the forum.

If you haven't done so already you should add your car details to your signature to help others to help you.
If you need help with getting around and using the forum follow this link for some help Forum Help

Welcome to the forums!

Thank you for all your kind welcomes.
I had a stroke of luck, turned out that the battery charger fuse was blown, replacing that let me eventually charge up the ruined battery to a point where the car would start and I was able to inspect the myriad of problems that weren't initially apparent. All but one light bulb in the front of the car is blown, and the ABS is faulty. I hope that it's simply caused by the inactivity and a bit of movement will free it up. The electric unlocking is working now, though the doorlock is still seized up. I will have to sort that out.
The battery is beyond dead, but I was planning on replacing that anyway.
I'll have to sink a few thousand kč into her but I suppose that's part of the deal.

Thanks again, I look forward to exploring the forums.
- Czech Jag owner

Glad you got yourself mostly going again. Hope you have a better time with it in future