Gather round kiddies . . . I have 2 horror stories from my recent rushed trip to and from Sydney in the S-Type . . . a 1500Km round trip that started in pouring rain. As you might recall there are 2 dreaded "failure" lights centrally in the tacho with LCD screen below to tell you the bad news! Ideally, neither will ever trouble you. This is a good thing. If either light up whilst driving, start weeping immediately.

To the left is the amber light - listed by Jaguar under the impressively technical term "Impending DOOM", which an ACME code reader interprets as "Please check your bank balance & superannuation".

To the right is the red light - listed by Jaguar under the terrifyingly technical term "Actual DISASTER", which our ACME reader decodes into a subtext of "Oops; there goes all the kids' inheritance".

Of the trip down from Inverell, past Tamworth and into the lower Hunter, it was all rain and showers . . . windscreen wiper weather, but nonetheless, fast and with little traffic on the deserted highways. Suddenly, about 400Km into my trip, the amber light came on . . . Impending DOOM! Overcome with panic and sweating and squealing like a piggy at a barbeque, I had to pull over to read the dreaded text on the LCD screen. "WARNING . . . WIPER FLUID LOW!"

WHAT??? Are you serious? I had to weave to the kerbside, shaking like a leaf and mentally stocktaking my meagre cash only to be warned that my windscreen washer fluid level was low? I mean . . . how low is DANGEROUSLY low??? What happened to the good ole days when you just ran out. Rather rapidly, the ice that had temporarily filled my bloodstream started to boil. By the time I had topped up at a local servo, I had calmed down to reality . . . here I was, a self confessed hero who had saved Jaguar from Actual DISASTER in the barest nick of time. Self satisfaction gave way to complacency . . . of course, I see that now . . . but nothing could have prepared me for the disaster that did strike during my return journey.

This time, I was only about one third of the way home, on a truly deserted regional highway, when suddenly, the red light flickered on . . . then off . . . with no time to read any text warning. I slowed down somewhat . . . preparing to stop . . . waiting to see if the red light returned . . . while I ticked off a multitude of possible engine failures. . . all horrifically expensive. Some 5 min later, by constant checking in my rearview mirror, I knew I had not lunched either the Twin Turbo V6 Diesel (John HAD warned me) nor that glorious ZF 6speed auto, each calculated as $5,000 - $10,000 (plus labour) . . . when the dreaded red light came on again . . . and stayed on !!! This was it; it was now official . . . Actual DISASTER!

With tears of financial ruin streaming down my face . . . and my fearsome sobbing now drowning out the klaxon horns that were undoubtedly blaring all around me, I pulled over. I imagined in horror, a vision of my bank balance spinning into oblivion like the wheels on a demented slot machine! It took real effort to dry my eyes sufficient to read the message of Actual DISASTER. "WARNING . . . ENGINE COOLANT LOW!"

Truly beaten into submission, I didn't have the strength to feel angry. I know that both the S-Type and XK8 use a header tank reservoir that, like a ruminant's stomachs, is quite separate from the radiator & engine below. It is the level of fluid in this header tank being sensed and sure enough, the engine temp never wavered a tad during more than 50Km that brought me into the next country town . . . red light glaring all the way . . . coz I knew that was the only place I would find the special red coolant fluid these engines require and which (naturally) I had safely stored at home in Inverell, rather than in the car. Now kiddies . . . please don't attempt this stunt at home.

It goes without saying that with header tank topped up, the red glare of Actual DOOM disappeared immediately . . . although I still have to deal with a rather grotesque nervous twitch I have developed. So . . . and I can hear many of you laughing at my expense . . . all up, I have readjusted my assessment of much of the technology which this 10yo car introduced. Just how much data do we need? How much information is TOO MUCH INFORMATION? I mean . . . there are normal warning lights provided in the Jaguar instrument cluster for everything you can think of, including RED ones placed thoughtfully in the Jaguar's eyes on my steering wheel, that flash in time with my rising pulse and blood pressure! I bet you never knew they did that on your Jag. Well . . . sneek a peek the next time your pulse hits 300!

So, when did these two FAILURE lights (Amber = SERIOUS WARNING and Red = DIRE FAILURE) get consigned to such menial tasks . . . and in the process, frighten the daylights out of the driver. Perhaps I am biased by recent experience. I find myself terrified by even GREEN traffic lights, because I know that at any moment, and without further warning, they can change to Impending DOOM, then Actual DISASTER. Fortunately, Inverell has not a single one anywhere. Can you imagine such bliss . . . not a single traffic light? However, I find it wise to avoid the "school zone" hours with those big RED flashing lights.

My full time carers wonder if taping over the offending area on the tacho with really opaque Gaffer Tape would help my newly acquired nervous afflictions. What do you suggest ??? What moments of terror have befallen you? And have you found a CURE ???

Please HELP me,

Desperate.

 

i'm so sorry ! i had to laugh .

just wait until your can bus goes down like mine has .

you'll be greeted with the eng check , ABS , SRS , plus the doom & disaster lights glaring at you and gearbox fault in the message center to top it all off .
i think a driver's cardiac arrest soon follows this condition .

 

Now admit it, if you didn't have the Wiper Fluid warning, or didn't consider it serious, you could have been driving along, when a seagull or similar large bird flying overhead let rip straight onto your windscreen. Temporarily blinded you would dive for the screen wash button and instead of washing the screen, the wiper would spread the poop all over the glass, probably making you panic, lose control, crash and perhaps kill all the occupants of the car. THIS IS HOW IMPORTANT THIS WARNING IS!!!!

I'll leave you to imagine how dire things would be if you weren't aware of low coolant......

 

Yawn... just another average day with a Jag.

Mine also act Jag-tarded occasionally... like every other trip.

 

Ken,

Copied and pasted to ALL my contacts via email, MAAAAAATE, I am now back in DRY pants, you know why, and still laughing.

BUT SERIOUSLY

When are the makers of ANY car going to put the responsibilty for what goes on BACK with the nut behind the wheel???????

I dont see these lights, vision is at a point I see straight ahead, and the rest is guess work. I KNOW where I am going, and so does the Jag, the rest is of zero consequence.
My X300 3.2 ltr Poverty Pack, ALWAYS had the traction lamp ON, REALLY, the 3.2 DOES NOT have traction, the engine seriously lacks the ***** to spin the wheels, FACT.

After many hours of all sorts of checking and swearing, including that equally dumb OBD socket that stated the obvious, "Traction Inop", I simply pulled the bulb, problem solved.

XJS the same with the stupid low coolant lamp, never sorted that, too many drinking hours LOST, so simply earthed the wire, globe went OUT, easiest fix on any Jag yet.

I agree Ken, stupidity is costing us way too many hours of lost enjoyment.

Drink up mate, drive it like you stole it. The only way to live as you well know.

 

Fire your car guy.

Every jag owner has one, surely (as well as butler, manservant and so on).

Oh... you're in one of the former colonies. May be missing these essential staff

 

Just fired myself John, feels better already.

No butlers etc in my house, just us Aussies.

 

How... quaint. However do you manage even to dress yourself?

 

My S-type has been an angel compared to my 2005 BMW 545 Sei which was 2 years old and low miles when I bought it. In the BMW the warnings came fast and frequently ! At least one or two maybe more each and every journey. The car had more alarm ringtones than a Nokia mobile (cellphone) !!!!
For a premium motorcar with 60 or more computers, some of which were self learning, tbh it was pretty dumb.

I don't think the Jaguar has the "stop the engine immediately, get out of the car and run like hell" warning message?

I feel your pain....

 

Well... low coolant can be serious.
Or no oil pressure!
And a rod through the block.
And...

But those are rare.

(OK, the low coolant not so much.)

 

Cccaaaar Gggguuuy? Gggggosh, this nervous twitch has me fff . . . fff . . . knackered !!!

Aah, John, the butler shot through years ago . . . took the E-Type (silly bugga!). Anyway, as to help with dressing, I wouldn't want his hairy arms groping about in my trousers . . . far too much of that been going on elsewhere.

Grant, ole mate, if I thought more grog would help, I'd be swimming in it!

Finally, I feel sorry for our latest contributor [Busa] . . . he hasn't yet found Jaguar's "stop the engine immediately, get out of the car and run like hell" warning message. Even worse, he thinks this is as bad as they get !!!

Thanks to all . . . I could be wrong but . . . now, more than ever, our poor world needs a chuckle.

Cheers,

Ken

 

Hmmm. Of these 3, your final one brought back memory of a wise crack attributed to Harry Firth, the sly old fox who ran the Holden Dealer Team racers back in the day when they reigned supreme up on the mountain . . . that's Bathurst's Mt Panorama.

When quizzed by an eager TV commentator why one of his leading cars was forced to retire, he shrugged it off as "an annoying ignition problem". He was right too . . . I was in the pits later and saw the evidence. One of the two conrods that had punched through the engine block, had done a very neat job of decapitating the ignition coil. No spark = no go !!!

Cheers,

Ken