Having finally passed my Driving Test at the Forth attempt! it opened up a whole new World for me.

As I was able to see and do things I'd never done before, as well as being able to go to different places that

had so far been out of my reach.

The only problem being that I had to share the trusty Vauxhall Victor with my Parents.

Unless I changed my ways and got a job, so with a bit (a lot!) of help from mum.

She gave me a makeover to make me look at least a little bit respectable.

When I went for an interview for a job selling Printing Machines!

No I don't know why either! but you have to start somewhere.

And much to my surprise I got the Job but since I needed an in depth knowledge of how these Printers worked.

They sent me to their Training School for a Month, at which point I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

As when they sold one of these Printing machines, they included a Weeks Training for the operator.

And back in the day most of these Trainees were Women, or to be a bit more specific.

More Smoking Hot Young Ladies than you could shake a stick at and I was on the course with them, as the only guy.

Which gave me an incentive to get to grips with all the different models. 'Which were the Machines and not the Girls!'

But when I'd got the hang of them it wasn't very long before I was seconded to help out the Girls as a sort of unofficial Trainer.

Where my enthusiasm started to shine through to such an extent that it really left them no option but to give

me this Job on a permanent basis.

But did I really want a job where you spend all day being surrounded by beautiful girls.

Who were asking for my help like Damsels in distress.

Just let me think about that for a Second!

And now the money was rolling in, I eventually saved enough to buy my own Car, which was a Red Mini.

Which I chopped and changed with mum and dad, as for some strange reason I preferred our

Vauxhall Victor 101 Station Wagon.

As you could get a little bit more in the back, if you know what I mean...

A succession of other Cars followed, until one day I decided that I wanted a Jag.

Because I started to fancy myself as old school, with a Cocktail Cabinet and the smell of that Connelly hide.

And so I bought myself an XJ6 and although it was a lovely Car, with my lack of mechanical knowledge.

I got myself stitched up, as this was a Car that used more Oil than Petrol.

The only problem being that I just couldn't give it away, until one day I had a bit of luck 'Well Sort Of'

As I was in the filling Station just down the road from me, filling up with Petrol and of course some Oil.

When this Guy drove in with an 'A' Reg Fern Green XJS. OMG!

I had never seen a Car that was so beautiful in my life, I just couldn't take my eyes off it.

So as we were both driving Jags, I soon started chatting with the owner.

Me: You're thinking of doing what!

Him: Selling it

Me: You're not!

Him: I am

Me: 'Only half joking' Do you fancy a swap for my XJ6?

Him: Yes!

Me: Yes, Why, What, Are you serious!

Him: Yes but I want some cash in my favor.

After a bit of haggling to get rid of my 'Lemon-esq' Jag, we struck a deal and 30 minutes later.

With no Test drive on either side, we swapped Keys and drove off in the Sunset.

Where I remembered having a big grin on my face, which has never left me to this very day!

And just couldn't wait to turn up for work, in a Car that Snaps Knicker Elastic, from 20 yards away!

It was a fantastic Car, except that is for one small little problem and that was it kept going wrong!
And since I didn't have a Clue as to how to fix it, I eventually sold it and bought another one.

Which I still have to this very day!



My Beautiful 1983 Fern Green XJS which I wish that I had never sold (but it kept going wrong)

and replaced with my 1986 Arctic Blue XJS which I still have to this very day, although the Green one was a nicer looking Car.

By now I was hopelessly addicted and more of these Cars were to follow.

Although I loved my XJ6 She used more Oil than Petrol so I was very glad to see her go, especially as I'd just swapped her for a Beautiful XJS in a lovely 'Fern Green'

Which was the first one of these Cars that I had ever owned, although as you already know it wouldn't be my last.

Though unbeknown to me at the time this Car had lots of problems that were waiting in the wings (no pun intended) to be discovered.

So maybe not surprising that when I offered to swap my XJ6 he almost bit my hand off, though by some strange coincidence, it seemed we'd tried to stitch each other up

By us swapping one dud Car for another, so neither one of us picked up the phone to complain and besides it could have taken some time for that Piston Seal to wear off!

But as of this very moment in time 'Fern' was driving like a dream and purring like a kitten, so I couldn't wait to go to work so I could show her off.

And in any event as they said in that advert 'I am not going to be the kind of person they expect me to be anymore'

As by this time I'd totally cleaned up my Act and as such had left the image I'd had of looking like 'Frank Zappa's' love child far behind me.

And also gone was the lazy 'Yob' who never wanted to get out of Bed in the Morning, as my new job had given me the kind of 'lust for life' that I could never imagine ever happening to me.

So being the kind of person who never does things by halves, I went on the mother of all Shopping Sprees, where my Mum 'The Princess' styled me a brand new look.

Which as I remember cost me a small fortune, or should I say a large one!

As the first 'Port of Call' was to Vidal Sasoon for a Haircut, where my mop of unruly hair was chopped by the best in the business and when mum said that she loved it then I knew that it was good enough for me.

Then we went to Austin Reed to get a nice Sports Jacket and some Trousers and then went down to Oxford Street to get some After Shave 'Chanel Pour Homme'

And I certainly felt like a very 'Poor Homme' by the time She had finished spending my money for me, as to be honest without her help, I wouldn't have known what to buy.

So on Monday morning 'Rocking the look' and feeling a little self conscious, I opened 'Fern's' door and slid into the Seat, where the Smell of the Connelly Hide perfectly

blended with the 'Chanel' that totally 'Tripped me out' on High Excitement.

Then with the Key in the ignition, I slowly turned it to position 1. where the lights came on with a rush of fresh Air from the Air Con.

By now my heart was starting to beat out of my chest, as all it took was one more notch on the gunbelt and then She Fired!

First with a 'Whoosh' and then a 'Roar' as all 12 cylinders suddenly burst into life!

As I turned to look behind me, I could see two curling plumes of exhaust gas twist their way into the atmosphere, like a Jet that was prepared for take off.

So then I very slowly reversed out of my drive and crossed the intersection on to the duel carriage way and then let her purr for just a little bit longer.

Savoring the moment when the time was right to let her go, as I had only just got the Car and as such wasn't used to her yet.

Then after checking the Gauges to make sure that all was ok, that was the moment that I decided that the time was right to 'pull the trigger'

Where after a moments hesitation as the rear end dipped down, those Pirelli 235's suddenly got a grip on the road and then with almost no warning She suddenly Flew!

Like a Jet Fighter hurled up in the Sky off the Deck of an Air Craft Carrier OMG! I thought the XJ6 was fast but that was like a Tortoise when compared to this.

And was really a case of the louder you scream, the faster you're going to go!

Make no mistake that this Car was a 'Rocket Ship' that gives you a feeling like no other and so it wasn't very long until I arrived at Work.

Or the 'Sweet Shop' as I used to call it, as on every day of my Working Week, it was packed full of 'eye candy'

And as I swept into the driveway of my place of work, today was not about to disappoint me.

As standing around and drinking a Welcome Cup of Coffee, were the group of girls we had to Train, who were dressed to impress and all looking suitably gorgeous.

Being a mixture of Leggy Blonds with Pink frosted lips as well as some Hot Brunettes that smoldered like the touch paper of a Guy Fawkes Firework.

All looking good in mini skirts and sexy black high heels, which always had me thinking how much I loved my job.

Then once the ice was broken and introductions made:

As they didn't work for us I saw it as my job, to not only teach them to use these Machines but also to try and give them a week Full of Fun and Sunshine.

Where for the most part I definitely think I succeeded, as any Girl who'd come in on the Bus was then whisked back home in my Jag.

As after all, I felt it the least I could do!

Except of course to ask her out when her Course was over, where a very nice time was had by all.

Hitting the Clubs in my XJS and dancing away till dawn.

I hadn't so much as bought a Car as bought into a lifestyle where turning up in an XJS automatically earns respect wherever you go.

But then my dreams were shattered when 'Fern' decided to break down with a very big problem that I didn't know how to Fix and one that would cost me a Fortune if I took her into a Shop.

And so with so much sadness and regret I had to let her go and then once having done so replaced her with a slightly newer model.

But what went wrong with 'Fern'?

To be Continued...........

It was only a matter of Time before I decided to buy myself a Jag, as one of my Uncles had one and as soon as I laid eyes on it, I became obsessed.

But as I knew nothing about them I made the big mistake of diving in and buying the first one that I saw

That used more Oil than Petrol 'Well almost!' and so it wasn't long before I decided to name her 'Juicy Lucy'

For the vast amount of Petrol She consumed, although in retrospect when compared to my Jaguar XJS my XJ6 seemed positively Frugal.

Though since 'Jucy Lucy' was going to be a very expensive fix, I kept her going for a while with tins of Piston Seal.

But Fate has a habit of playing some very strange Tricks, as if the engine on my XJ6 hadn't had that problem, then I might never be driving my XJS today.

Although initially I was lucky enough to Swap my XJ6 with the Owner of an XJS that had just pulled into the Garage for some Petrol, where unbeknown to me.

This XJS was about to develop a big mechanical problem that because of my lack of mechanical knowledge I would be unable to fix, so maybe not so

surprising that when he swapped it for my XJ6, He must have been thinking that he'd just Won the Lottery on Roll over Week!

And now I had an XJS as a matter of fact so did I.



'Juicy Lucy' my Jaguar XJ6 which used more Oil than Petrol, so I did the only sensible thing and swapped it for an equally 'Duff' Jaguar XJS

The moment I got that XJS I realized that I had found my 'Tribe'

As no other Car before or since, has ever done it for me and never a day has ever gone by without me thinking just how lucky I am.

And though I got off to a rocky start with no sense of direction and no qualifications whatsoever, its right what they say that the Apple never falls far from the Tree.

Where the one thing I was good at was the Art of Conversation, for which I thank my Father who was non-PC and way ahead of his time.

Who used to come up with great ideas and then somehow convince me they were mine, although the thing that bothered me most of all.

Was that they allowed to do what ever I liked, including smoking, drinking and staying out all night.

There were no restrictions whatsoever!

And even at the age of Five I was Smoking a Pipe, that my Father bought me for a Christmas Present, which was one of those Vulcans with interchangeable bowls.

Although I soon got bored with that and moved on to King Edward Cigars.

It wasn't that they didn't care, just more a case of clever parenting as with no forbidden fruit I soon got it out of my system and didn't want to do stuff like that anymore.

So one day I just got my act together and talked myself into the Dream job that I had then, where I took a leaf out of my Fathers book and ended up by interviewing them!

And now with my life back on track, I was going through a 'Purple Patch'

Thanks to my Mum I had the look and Thanks to my Dad, I had the Chat and Charm, which not only got me the Job and more girlfriends than I knew what to do with.

But most of all, I'd also got my Dream Car!

'The Greatest Crumpet Catcher Known To Man'

That Quote went to the 'e' Type but if the XJS is number Two, then I'm prepared to take it.

So what on Earth could possibly go Wrong!

'Fern' went Wrong! that's what went Wrong! 'Fern' OMG!

This was not supposed to happen, not to day of All days.

I'd just pulled one of our Trainees on the last day of her Course and now with the Flirt Switch turned up to the Max.

I told her 'I'm taking you out'

A simple effective Chat up line, that very seldom failed and She said Yes!

So one Sunny Saturday Morning, I Rocked up at her house, driving one of the 'Swankiest' Cars on the Planet!

A Car that has the presence, to just say 'Bang I'm Here'

Too late to lock your Daughter up! The Rocket Ship is about to whisk her away.

A lithe Green Phallic Monster with enough Va Va Voom, to guarantee a day out like no other.

So how about a Picnic down by the River Thames at Boulters Lock, then later on we can go to 'Skindles' which was the Restaurant just across the road.

Sounds good to me Let's go!

I sort of had a feeling that her Father hated me but quickly washed that right out of my mind, as with his Hot daughter now nicely ensconced in the Connelly Passenger Seat.

There was only one think left to do, so with the Key in the ignition and the V12 Engine fired up and brought to life, it was time to take her on that Magic Carpet ride that owners of an XJS only seem to know.

And She was loving every single minute but then as we got near the Banks of the Thames a very Strange thing happened.

Don't laugh too loud we broke down!

And we broke down 'Big Time!'

When almost out of nowhere, we heard a ringing noise that came from somewhere!

Which could only be described as Sounding like 'Church Bells' which really only works for People who are getting Married.

Which would not be me at least today!

As we pulled up the ringing stopped even though the Engine was still running and so the noise must have been coming from under the Car.

So laying out the Picnic rug to see underneath, I was able to see a most unbelievable problem.

One of the Rear Rotors had now warn so thin, that the Metal Ring around it had become detached and fallen off and was literally hanging round the drive shaft.

No wonder the previous owner wanted to get rid of this Car, as he could see a massive problem waiting in the wings, that would cost a Fortune to put right.

But first I had to fix the Car so She was drivable, which meant finding a Hacksaw to Saw that ring right off!

To be Continued.........


'Fern' my Green XJS Broke Down when the Ring fell off the Rear Rotor onto the Drive Shaft. I didn't know how to Fix it so I just bought another one 'like you do'

Looking at it logically, it should have been a very easy Fix, or at least enough to get us home, as all I had to do was get a Hacksaw

Then Saw that Rotor Ring right through then take it off and we'd be on our way, except I hadn't got a Hacksaw.

And there were no Shops on this stretch of road where I could buy one and even if I could there was an even bigger problem.

Which was being able to Jack the Car up high enough to Crawl underneath and I didn't want to do this with the Wheel Jack.

As if the Jack gave way, then it would really be 'game over' and there was no way I'd want to take that risk.

So having had a rethink and weighed up all the options, I could either get a breakdown truck from somewhere, or else take a chance and drive her home.

On the balance of probability that my Father might disown me, if I were to call a breakdown truck.

I decided to drive her a little way down the road to try and get some sort of feel as to what might be happening underneath the Car.

Where my mechanical knowledge was such that I didn't even know what a drive shaft was, or the kind of damage a loose rotor ring might do.

So driving just as slowly as the traffic would allow, we continued on our way to the tinkling sound of the loose rotor ring, till we finally made it back home.

Then I borrowed dad's Car to take Yvonne home, with my ego now in pieces as 'Fern' had broke down.

So on the following day which was Sunday, Dad helped me to Jack 'Fern' up to inspect the damage and find out what was wrong.

Damage wise it looked as though I'd got away with it, apart from one of two places where the Rotor Ring had chipped a few small notches in the drive shaft.

It probably was a very good job that I never had a Hacksaw with me at the time, as I would have been there forever, trying to cut that ring through.

Although we eventually managed to do this with a cutting disc on the end of a flexible shaft on the end of a drill.

And seeing that the other Ring was almost just as bad, we decided to make a job of it and cut that one off as well.

So while I was left with a drivable Car that was hopefully good for a few thousand miles, I wanted to get 'Fern' properly fixed so that I did not have to worry about her.

This looked like a massive Job, especially when Dad told me that the back axle would have to come out.

And if I knew then what I know now, I might at least have had a go to fix it but since it seemed beyond my capabilities at the time.

I took her straight into a Garage, where I got the shock of my life, when they went and quoted me a humongous amount of money to put her right.

Unlike now there were plenty of good XJS's around, so I decided to sell 'Fern' on and buy another one.

Which in retrospect was a big mistake, as the earlier Cars are now sought after and there was something about 'Fern' that I found a bit special.

But that was now and this was then and so the search was on for a replacement.

As you may imagine, after my experience I was very dubious about buying a Car that was advertised for sale by a Private Seller.

So I thought I'd have a look around the Dealers and I didn't need to look far, for as I wandered round the Showroom of a Jaguar Main Dealer.

There She was!

All shined up and glistening beneath the Showroom lights, in Arctic Blue combined with Oatmeal leather.

Where in a Nano Second, I decided 'Misty' was going to be mine!

And though they had gone through her and done all the Checks, I would not be buying Her until I'd checked her out myself and asked if they would put her on their Car Lift.

Where after having done this my eyes went to the Rotors, that were showing little sign of wear

So as far as I was concerned 'It was SOLD Ticket On!'

To be Continued........

At this moment I was thinking what have I gone and done, I've just bought an XJS just like my other one

And didn't think that was supposed to happen, being much more normal

To Trade up to buy a different and much better Car

So I guess you could say that this was a seminal moment when it dawned on me that outside of an 'e' type

There was no better Sports Car in the World, or a least one that I could afford

At which point I then got my Pen and wrote out a big cheque and with my Insurance already arranged

It was now time to drive her out of the Show Room and even though I had been driving 'Fern' for quite some time

Driving any XJS is a thrill that never really leaves you and while I thought that 'Fern' was fast

'Misty' was an awesome rocket ship with full on Thunderbolt Acceleration

Just wait till the girls at work see this! I just couldn't wait to show her off

But first I had a problem to sort out, as 'Fern's' MOT was starting to loom large on the Horizon

And I didn't think that She would pass with those worn out Rotors, so 'Fern' had to go and fast

At which point I got lucky, as body wise 'Fern' was in very good shape and had a very good engine

So I put her in the Paper for £1,500 and sold her to the first who came to view

And even did the decent thing and made a point of telling him that She would need new Rotors

That didn't seem to faze him and as such he was pleased to pay my price.

Maybe he thought that he had got a bit of a bargain and was planning to fix her himself

And though I shed a little tear as She drove away, since I didn't know how to fix her, I really didn't think I had much choice

Except to pay a Garage Mega Money and so on balance keeping her did not seem worthwhile

Which was not the same decision, that I would make to day but there you go

In any event I hadn't had 'Fern' long enough to bond and one look at the gleaming screamer that was now in my drive

Very quickly washed all thoughts of 'Fern' out of my mind so it was time to turn the page and start anew

On Tuesday I was driving 'Fern' and Wednesday driving 'Misty' so my Trainees must have thought I'd Won the Lottery.

Which incidentally wasn't around at the time and where much to my enduring shame

I was still a bit of a show off, who really couldn't help acting a little bit flash but guess this was all part of growing up

As nowadays I've calmed right down and just let the Car do all the talking

Because I've since learned that I really have nothing to prove and so goodbye 'Boy Racer' I don't need you any more

But right now at this very moment in time

'Misty' and Me had just rocked up outside one of the big glass Windows of the Training room.

Which did not go unnoticed by the girls inside, who at first didn't realize that I'd just bought a new Car.

And though girls aren't impressed by Cars or so they would have us believe

I could say the very same about them wearing mini skirts, except of course that I would be lying

So when the day was over I did my taxi run, giving the girls a lift home if they'd come on pubic transport

And even sometimes taking them out for a drink, as I didn't want a relationship as much as the thrill of the Chase

Where in the job that I was in, it never really took that long

To be able to tell if there was a spark between myself and a girl I fancied

But as of yet 'Misty' hadn't had a female passenger, up until one Winters night on a Cold and Chilly December

When I was invited to a Party that was being held in a house just under the Bridge in Kingston (UK)

Where I met the love of my life but that's another story for another time, as after a couple of years it all ended in tears

As she wanted to get married and I just wasn't ready and so like getting rid of 'Fern' was just another big mistake I made

So how about making another one by going to buy an

XJS at an Auction!



'Misty' my Arctic Blue XJS which unbelievably never went wrong in all the time I've owned her



To be continued......

Denise, who was the 'Love of my life' was living in a bedsit in Archway North London

Which was a run down area but you'd need to Win the Lottery if you wanted to live there now

She was absolutely Stunning in a quirky sort of way, with a Choppy Emo Haircut and big pair of blue eyes

That looked even bigger with her 'Biba' false eyelashes, that gave her face the look of a 'Manga' Cartoon

Although I should have Married her, which is a decision I've regretted to this day

Its hard to hold down a relationship when you're in a job where you are interacting with beautiful girls everyday

Some of whom make it quite clear that they would like to get to know you better

So eventually Denise and I split up and found it true in what they say about never knowing what you've got

Until you've gone and lost it.......

Where finding myself at a very low ebb, I felt I needed something to take my mind of her

So what better way could there possibly be than going along to an Auction, where one of the Cars on offer was an XJS V12

The answer to that is a Lot better ways of getting over a breakup!

It was all very exciting looking over all the Cars but even more so when I spotted that XJS!

But before I go any further with that, I feel I out to walk you back down the stairs again

If for no other reason than to try and make myself feel better and just so you know, 'even that's not working!'

I had no Mechanical experience whatsoever

I didn't even try and fix 'Fern' who needed a set of rear Rotors because I didn't know what to do or how to go about it

So I sold her instead

As for 'Misty' my Arctic Blue XJS, I bought that from a Main Dealer who had thoroughly checked her over

And that Car never went wrong and so my Mechanical expertise only ever extended to Checking the Oil and Water

So armed with that font of wisdom I started looking her over, which was all that I could do because She was sandwiched between some other Cars and so I couldn't even hear the Engine running!

The reserve price was £3,000 and the bidding on her was slow, even though under the lights She shone like a Star

So sensing other bidders knew something I did not

I called it a day with my Top Bid of £2,500 where the Auctioneer had me down as the under bidder

Although of course the 'Hammer' didn't fall

So after I had taken stock of the situation, I was feeling glad I didn't buy her

But then I got a Phone Call from the Auction House to say that the Seller had decided to accept my lower offer!

At which point I told them that I had changed my mind and didn't want it

Except they said that as the under bidder, I was now obliged to purchase the Car

If something like that had happened to day, they would have needed a 'Crowbar' to try and get the money out of me

But at the time in question, I was not as 'Streetwise' as I am to day and so like a MUG I paid up!

Which including Buyers Premium and all the other stuff, closed it off at around £3,000

So after paying for it, I went to pick it up where for Starters or should that be Non Starters the Battery was flat

And so I had to buy another Battery, which turned out to be the best part of the Car!

As on the way home the Front Calipers started smoking and just as I got in the driveway, I lost all the Brakes

But worse was to come as it was soon clear that this Car was an epic disaster on Four Wheels

That couldn't even make it to the Scrap Yard!

It was so rusty underneath that both Trailing Arms were falling off

And as for the Body Work, a lot of that seemed to have been patched up with Body Filler

From the Auction House to My House, was the only journey that Car ever did

Although that Car has since provided a treasure chest of spares

And even though I'm wiser now

I would be very dubious at the prospect of buying another XJS at an Auction



She may have looked 'eye candy' though even so I didn't know what problems would be lurking underneath

She was quite simply the Worst Car I have ever bought in my life, that seemed to be held together with Sealing Wax and String!

As far as I was concerned outside of a Driving Instructor or a Holiday Rep, I had one of the Best Jobs in the World

Where everyday consisted of flirting with the girls and while showing them how to use our machines

But with Technology moving at 100mph, the days of the desktop printing machine were now being numbered

As why get your hands all covered in ink when you could just push a button on a Computer and then outsource big print runs to the Pro's

And so now that the writing had been written on the wall, I had to go and find another job, which was not an easy thing to do with Zero qualifications

For which I blame my Father, as not being P.C. in anyway at all, he threatened to disown me if I ever passed any exams

And while I know he didn't mean it, I didn't really want to let him down as he wanted a Son who was able to use initiative

Rather than having to rely on what was written on a piece of paper.

Though since I was unable to try and fix 'Fern' (my green xjs) and had also gone and bought 'The Bodyfiller Express' XJS which was a toal disaster on four wheels

His ambitions for me, didn't exactly get off to an auspicious start!

So while I was deciding what to do with the rest of my life, I though that I would get a part time job

Where I was in luck as I used to hang out with a big crowd of mates, who all used to work part time in a small hotel

And if you thought 'Faulty Towers' was bad you ain't seen nothing yet, as the owner used to take a back seat where apart from the Catering Staff

He just left us to it and we didn't let him down, for although it was organized Chaos, we gave this Hotel such a Vibe that the place was packed

Where the Secret of our success was turning every Customer into a personal friend and making them feel that they were involved in something a little 'Off Grid!'

And they responded by spending an absolute fortune.

While I needed the Money, so I could live and run 'Misty' my Arctic Blue XJS, my mates needed the money so they could spend the Summer in Spain

Where with the Five Star references that our Hotel Owner used to hand out, they would have no trouble getting Bar Jobs

But as I didn't like flying, I preferred to stay a bit closer to home which as it turned out was one of the best things that I ever did

As the one thing that we didn't have in this Hotel was Music apart from a Piano which anyone who wanted to could play, where we had amazing Singalongs

Although with 'Disco' taking off we were just a bit behind the beat and playing catchup, as our Super Wonderful Owner Really wasn't sure if a 'Disco' was a good idea or not

But using my powers of persuasion, or should that be my Chat and Charm I eventually persuaded him to try it

Though what we needed was a guy with a massive record Collection, which included all the Top 20 Hits.

Not me but my Father who was a bit of a Hi Fi Buff, who kept his Classical Records in The Fridge!

No I don't know why either!

But hopefully someone like 'Warrjon' will be able to explain

So now with the Pop Music taken care of, all we needed was an Amp some lights and a Turn Table

And since my Dad was not about to lend me his Turn Table and the Hotel owner wasn't about to fork out for a Disco Deck, until we knew if this would be successful

We had to do the whole thing on a Shoe String, with an el cheapo Record Deck and a Secondhand Amp, both of which I have still got up in the Loft Today.

Calling me a DJ would be stretching it a bit, as the one thing that we didn't have was a microphone but at least we had a way of playing music

Which 'As it appens' to Coin a phrase from someone who was, went down a storm with the punters who came to our Hotel.

But as this was a part time job, it was never going to be enough for me to be able to buy a Convertible XJS

Although at least I could run 'Misty' and so as far as I was concerned, one out of two wasn't bad.

Though nothing could prepare me for what would happen next

As my Dad was excitedly yelling Alex look at this!

I think I've found the perfect job for you, as he showed me an advert in the Evening Standard

Receptionist Wanted For Top London Club (together with a phone number)

'What are you waiting for get on the Phone!'

'You're very good with People so it's right up your street and its got to be more money than you are earning now'

So guess what I got on the phone!

As if I managed to get that Job which I knew I could do

Then my dream of owning a Convertible XJS could maybe then be moving a bit nearer

To be continued..........

That Phone Call was short but still very sweet as I was put through to the Manager, who asked me if I'd ever done this kind of work before

So when I said Yes! he asked me if I could go for an interview that evening, which kind of took me by surprise but at the same time filled me with excitement

I just couldn't wait to get down there, as this was one of the biggest Clubs in London, where a Guy to take his Girlfriend for a great night out

And though I didn't have a CV or even any qualifications that I could put on it, I was fully Confident that my chat and charm would seal the deal

What on Earth could possibly go wrong?

So after a quick change of clothes and a liberal splash of Chanel pour Homme, I picked up the keys to 'Misty' my Arctic Blue XJS

Where after kissing Mum good bye and Mum and Dad wishing me luck, I then walked down the driveway and got into the Car

Then got onto the A40 which was an almost bullet straight road that would take me into Central London and only 20 minutes from our house

As expected there was tons of Traffic but being a dual Carriage way it was dog eat dog, as everybody gunned it down the road

Especially through the Underpass which was my favorite part, a claustrophobic Smoke filled Tunnel that went on forever and all lit up in Tungsten Orange Lights

Nobody wanted to be there, so when we got to the entrance everybody nailed it and put the metal pedal to the floor

Where it was like a racetrack with the roar from Misty's tail pipes making a delicious sound as you could hear it bouncing off the walls

And when we finally got to the end, 'Misty' just flew out of there like a cork out of a Champagne bottle

London was one of my regular haunts, so as I knew my way around I found a place to park, almost right outside the Club

Which was so huge it almost seemed to take up half the street, all lit up with bright white lights with punters flooding out onto the pavement

But since my name was on the list, they gave me the nod and I walked in, where I was greeted by the Manager (lets just call him 'Larry')

A really nice Guy who was now flanked by Two of the Biggest Geysers, I have ever seen! 18 stone with hands like Hams and Bull necks that were as thick as my waist

So I will call them 'Phil and Frank' and then tell you what happened, as Larry said I'll let them ask the Questions and afterwards then we can have a Chat

Frank kicked off the questioning by asking if I'd ever done this kind of work before, so of course I said Yes!

Then Phil asked me when was the last time that I had asked anybody out, to which I responded by saying last night as a matter of fact

'Nice One!' said Phil with a look that could kill and a voice like a sheet of Sandpaper, while Frank just stood there nodding his approval

This was getting Weirder by the minute, as Phil then said I've seen your type before!

There might not be much to you but I would not mind betting that you've got a Judo Black Belt and could throw me just as easy as could be

Me: No

Phil: Karate?

Me: No

Phil: Taekwondo?

Me: No

Phil: Well one of them things anyway

But before I could say another word, which would have been another No!

Frank asked me what I would do, if he were to come at me with a broken bottle!

To which I replied: I'd run as fast as I could!

'Good Answer' said Phil and Frank nodded

At which point Larry the Manager decided to Chime in

Alex he said, what kind of work do you think a Receptionist does?

Me: Meets and Greets the 'Punters' and makes sure that they have a great time

Phil and Frank were looking stunned while Larry looked confused, then suddenly the Penny dropped and they all burst out laughing

When Larry who could hardly speak with all the tears of laughter that were running down his face

Said: No Alex OMG Oh No! in 'Club Speak' a Receptionist is a 'Bouncer!' You know a great big Doorman, just like Phil and Frank!

Who found this so funny, they were choking back the Tears and had to hold each other up to prevent themselves from falling over

Where after about 5 minutes of everyone standing there killing themselves except me

Larry said to Phil and Frank, OK fellas you've had your fun so now just Foxtrot Oscar and so that's what they did

While Larry who had not yet managed to completely pull himself together and kept cracking up

Kept on saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, which was interspersed by a fit of the giggles, by which time I was also laughing my head off, though not quite sure why

But as this was an Icebreaker of such Titanic proportions, that I really felt I could do nothing else

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, said Larry, I wasn't laughing at you, its all my fault I should have made that advert a bit clearer

As I've gone and dragged you all this way for nothing, at which point he then pressed a 20 pound note in my hand!

And though it wouldn't buy me an XJS Convertible, it would be enough to fill 'Misty' up with a good glug of Petrol for the journey back home

Except I wasn't going Home just yet!

Come on Alex now you're here we'll have a meal in the Restaurant and I'll show you round the Club

The Dance Floor was ginourmous and the Punters were Bopping away and then we sat down in the Restaurant where Larry said have anything you like

Larry was a diamond, a really lovely guy and so it wasn't very long before we were chatting away like a couple of mates

Alex, that was so funny, I've never laughed so much like that in my life and I am gonna be dining out on that Story for Years!

And by the way have you ever done any work in a Club before?

Yes! I replied, I'm a DJ

And Larry replied OMG!

To be Continued...........

Larry did not look happy!

Alex said Larry

Have you been here all night without a Break?

I didn't know that I was supposed to get one and talking of Breaks 'Larry we've got a problem Phil just broke my arm!'

You know, the Pickup Arm, I've been running all night with only one Deck working, so its been a bit of a nightmare

That 'ham fisted git' said Larry, he was supposed to come and give you a break while you had a meal!

No wonder he kept out the way, he's bad enough with two decks working never mind just one

Don't worry I'll make sure its fixed for tomorrow night, if you still want to do it

And this time I'll make sure you get a meal but we were so busy

I just took my eye off the ball and left it with you

'Yeah ok Larry' that would be great but would you mind if I brought a girlfriend along, She can help sort out the records

Alex, you can do whatever the hell you like

As long as 'The Punters' have a good time, that's all I care about

Larry was like that, a really top bloke, non PC and lived in the real World

He'd spent his whole life in the 'game' and what he didn't know about Music really wasn't worth knowing

And though I didn't know it right at that moment in time

Larry would be Instrumental (no pun intended) in helping me to get set up, in the Music Business

That would eventually give me the money to buy my first Convertible XJS

A Car that would have been otherwise well out of my reach, as they are quite expensive as you know

So the following day on Saturday night, the busiest night in 'Clubland' I turned up with my Swedish girlfriend 'Elka'

Aka: 'The Ice Princess' a typically tall and willowy Scandinavian blue eyed blonde

That I had met some weeks earlier, at the 'Swiss Cottage Pub' in: err... Swiss Cottage Finchley

A Pub that sort of resembled a Swiss Skiing Chalet, where the only thing that was missing was the Snow!

This was the 'go to' place to meet 'Au Pair' Girls' who worked in that area

She was a piece of 'eye candy' and a bit of a trophy girlfriend to have on your arm

Although I guess that also works both ways

As after all I was a DJ, even if it was only for just one night

Bloody hell! said Larry when he saw her, do you remember the moment when it all started going wrong

As it turned out, I was glad that I'd took her along

As She soon managed to get the hang of the Disco lights

Which was a mega complicated complex lighting system

That could make your head spin, like a glitter ball

Where without that part to worry about and both Decks working this time

The evening went down a storm and Larry was a very happy bunny

It was great fun while it lasted and I would not have missed it for the World

But most of all that experience was invaluable, as Larry still a friend to this day

Helped me to get started in the Music Business

And I Finally managed to buy myself an XJS Convertible at last (Yasss!)

Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

Monday December the 19th was an unusually beautiful day for this time of the Year, which threw my best laid plans into a spin

As I was planning to put the Soft Top up on 'Cherry' and 'mothball' her until the Spring

But as the Sun was Shining Brighter by the minute, we could not resist the temptation to have one last ride

Before the Road Tax runs out in December

So while the GF made the Sandwiches and a Flask of Tea, I did all the 'pre-flight' checks and 30 minutes later we were off

If it wasn't for the dampness of the Tarmac, it could have been a day out in July, as we didn't even need the heater on

And knowing just how twitchy an XJS can be in damp conditions, we were just taking it easy and Cruising along

Enjoying a drive in the Winter Sunshine and even the Speedo was working, after my repair

As previously the needle would suddenly drop to Zero without warning, which lets face it is not ideal

When you line in an Area of constantly changing speed limits but it was working great so that was good

And so was our day out, because a run just before Christmas, helps keep 'Cherry' fresh

Which helps avoiding things like stuck injectors in the Spring and also a chance to top up the Tank with some Petrol

Then with only 9 weeks of hellish Weather to get through, that seems as long as 9 years

We can finally get on the road once more, for what will hopefully be a long hot Summer or at least in the (uk) we can always dream

But as of now, right at this moment in time, 'Cherry' was just driving like a dream zooming along in the Sunshine

And Purring like a kitten, until temptation got the better of me, when we passed a Sign for an 'Auto Jumble'

Which have to be the one thing that I'm addicted too, as in the past I've managed to pick up some incredible bargains.

When going to these I take the Merc, my super reliable 'Workhorse' that I'm not too precious about

As I'll park that anywhere (well almost anywhere) and have been known to even carry stuff on the back seat

Like my almost brand new set of Lattice Alloy wheels, which will be having a New Set of Tyres for the Summer

But seeing we were right outside the entrance to this Sale, against my own better judgment, I decided to drive in

Big Mistake, massive mistake, for a 'Paranoid Parker' like me, as this Auto Jumble had attracted a Huge Crowd

So big they even had Marshalls controlling the Traffic, where as we drove in this Marshall pointed out an empty space between two other Cars!

Not Supercars or Classic Cars but more your ordinary uncared for 'daily driver' which seemed to beg the question, 'What was this guy Smoking!'

At which point I decided to turn around and leave, except that wasn't possible as there was a great big queue of Cars behind us

The GF knew exactly what was coming, so we both sat there as we slowly moved our heads from side to side, in unison

Like a couple of Synchronized Swimmers, in what has become the Classic way of Signaling 'No Way!'

At which point the Marshall came over and pointed out the space, almost as if he thought I couldn't see it

There's a Space just there Sir, said the Marshall

And while I would have happily used it for the Merc

I then turned to the Marshall, where doing my best impression of Actor Michael Caine, I replied that:

'I'm Not Parking (pause) My Car There!'

It's quite a big space said the Marshall and if you like then I can Park it for you

At which point myself and the GF were unable to hold it together any longer and sat there just laughing our head off so much

That both of us were now crying a river of Tears, what was he thinking, what was this guy on!

No, I said I'm not parking there! 'Well what about there' said the Marshall, pointing to another Space

No I'm not Parking there either, I'd rather turn around and go back home!

'Can you see anywhere, that you would like to Park' said the Marshall

Yes! I replied over there, in between those two old Tractors, that looked like they'd been sitting there for years

Errrum! said the Marshall, ok but its at your own risk but would you mind if I asked a favour

As long as its not driving my Car or sitting in it then I'll think about it

Oh no, nothing like that said the 'Marshall' but I'd love to see the engine under the bonnet

Ok then you've got a deal, so first things first, lets get my Car Parked up and then once having done so, I lifted up the bonnet

'Wowser' said the Marshall, that some engine you've got there!

How many miles to the gallon does she do, around 14 mpg I said, as I pushed the button on the Trip Computer, where it showed 14.2 mpg

OMG! said the Marshall, my Car does about 60! (mpg)

Well there you go, I replied you pay your money and take your choice as always

Its a lovely Car said the Marshall, now I can see why you didn't want to park it where I said

Yup! I replied and I want to keep it that way and so I'd usually bring my other Car to places like this

But as we were passing, well you know how it is and so there's a fiver in it for you, if you'll keep an eye on her for me

'Sure thing' said the Marshall, is there anything else that I can do for you, (at which point I saw a few old Traffic cones laying around just by the hedge row)

No I think were ok now but if you like you can get us a couple of Cones

'Strawberry or Vanilla' said the Marshall, as he pointed to an Ice Cream Truck across the road

Which suddenly had me thinking, 'Where do they find these people'

Or maybe its just me......