BTW, if you are not British you may not understand the meaning of the title. What it means is that my Jaguar, a 1995 XJ6 3.2 ltr, makes me go crazy with the way that it works/doesn't work, works/doesn't work etc,etc.
The thing is, I'm disabled so I can't do much of the work on the car myself. I also have good days and bad days so on a good day I can open the driver's door and squeeze myself down into the seat without much difficulty. On a bad day, it isn't even worth trying. Plus, driving when any movement can cause pain which makes you close your eyes for up to 5 seconds isn't exactly what you might call safe so I don't do it.
But on top of all my problems the car can't make its mind up if it wants to be a runner or not. For example, a month or more ago I went out to the car after she had been parked on the drive for a couple of weeks without any run time. I opened the driver's door and noticed that the red light at the bottom of the door didn't light up. I figured that the battery had drained because of the stuff that runs all the time like the alarm system, radio etc. So I took the battery out and put it on charge. Today was the first day since then that I felt safe to drive so I re-fit the charged battery and got in the car. I put the key in the ignition and waited until most of the lights went out before turning the key to fire her up. It took about 3 seconds before she fired up and ran strongly and smoothly. When I backed out of the drive the gear change sounded good and the brakes worked fine. I drove round the estate for 10 minutes or so and watched to see that the oil pressure was good and the ammeter was hovering on 13.5 - 14.0. Everything was good. So then I drove back to the house and parked on the driveway, my plan being to tidy up the tools that I could hear bouncing around in the boot/trunk before setting off for a run on a local motorway to get the old girl up to 69.9 mph and blow some cobwebs out of her grille.
I finish tidying up and get back in the car ...... but does she start?
I'll let you know later, lol

 

Nobody willing to offer an opinion?

 

Well; Stevie, if she does not start, then you are on to something, since it was only a short down time. From your history of battery complaints, I guess you have some parasitic key off power problem.

 

How old is the battery? Could be an indication that it's time for a replacement. When they're near the end of their lifespan they don't hold a charge as well...

 

The battery is fairly new, Joe. It's about 18 months old but the car has only done about 50 miles in that time.
Sparkenzap ..... You're right. It was a trick question. You were all supposed to think that, as usual, she had started once and then refused to start again. In fact, she started like a dream and rang strongly. As a bonus, she has been sat on the drive from then until this afternoon when she fired up again at the first turn of the key.
I've found one strange thing though. When I unlock the driver's door, the alarm beeps. This is normal because I'm not using a fob to unlock the doors and turn off the alarm at the same time. anyway, by the time I get sat down in the seat most of the indicator and warning type of lights on the dashboard have gone out and all that is left is the handbrake, oil pressure and the ignition lights. If I leave the key in that position and just turn it round a bit there is no sound of the engine turning over. I have to turn the key to the "Off" position and start over. The thing is, I don't know if this is normal or not.
Cheers,
Steve

 

Stevie:
I don't remember if you answed this before when you bought the new battery- there was so much BS being shot around about one battery being better than the others and so on.
Do you have a multimeter, either a DVM or old analog one? I would like you to measure the battery load after the car has shut down.

On the other hand, if you are doing that few miles, then even though you get the car started every month or so, it probably is not topping the battery.

I know you got a lot of battery charging advice then, BUT your best bet is surely whats called a trickle or "float" charger, which is perfectly safe to leave on the circuit with the battery in the car and they can be left on for long periods of time without cooking the battery. It is much easier on the battery than periodic high current charging.

For some reason there is a lot of myth passed off as fact concerning lead acid batteries. The have been around and their technology is well undertood by the battery manufacturers and engineers who use them but no so much by the avcerage car mechanic. I do not know why that is, but I promise you it is true.

 

Battery's these days are built to die just after after warranty not before
I learned this the hard way quite a few times before figuring it out always buying the cheapest battery I could get they always seemed to die at the most inopportune time
Then I bought a top shelf battery with a 3 year warranty haven't had problems until the 3 year warranty is past
they build obsolescence it into them these days as I remember having battery's that lasted for years and years in 70,s and 80,s they must have figured out in the 90,s how to measure battery lifespan

 

Doc:
Actually, at least in the US, the battery guy's warranty is usually prorated after a year or so, so they want the battery to die just a few months before the end of it. That way, they have you hooked to buy their battery for the replacement, albeit with a small discount.

 

Sparkenzap .... here are your answers. I hope they help both of us .
Have I got a voltmeter?
I don't know if I have or not. I have one of these.
VC97 LCD Autorange Auto Range Multimeter Meter DC AC | eBay
I bought it when the battery first started playing up but, to be honest, I took a look at the diagrams and instructions and took the Jag to the garage. BUT .... if you are saying that you can tell me which setting to put it on and which lead to put where, I'll give it a go and give you the answers.
The trip down the motorway (and back) is a total of around 12 miles and the car seems to like jogging along at around 70 with a quick spurt up to 90 if the traffic conditions allow and when we get back home I keep her ticking over at around 1750 for a further 10 minutes or so, my idea being to make sure that she is fully warmed up and that the battery IS getting a good charge.
About this trickle charge thing, do you think that you could find the time to find one for sake on eBay so that I can see exactly what you mean? I have one of these if it is the same kind of thing.
12V SOLAR POWERED PANEL CAR MOTOR CARAVAN BOAT BATTERY CHARGER AUTO PARTS | eBay

Again, bought when the car first started with the battery issues. Only problem was that it seemed to be a bit of a faff every time you wanted to start the car.
One thing to take into account is that I live in an area with a lot of hooligans and (what we call) "*******". This is one reason why I don't think that sales of cars powered by electricity will ever take off, big time, in urban areas of England. The ******* will think it is great fun to leave the pub and look for wires leading from houses to cars that they can cut. This is because the vast majority of cars are parked on the street. Of course, a few will insulate their hands with parcel tape the first few times but they're quick learners.
I hope that helps us both and many thanks for trying your best to help.
Cheers,
Steve

 

pps .... Anybody know the answer to the very last part of my 3rd post??
Cheers,
Steve

 

Stevie:
I will get a step by step together for you to test the parasitic curent in a day or two- busy with the wife's family right now.

 

Sparkenzap .... No rush at all. Family always comes first.
Cheers,
Steve

 

Ok, Stevie:
First, we are going to learn to read voltage- With the multimeter set up just like in the picture, touch the red lead to the battery positive, and the black lead to the battery negative. Do this while the car is off, then after you have started it. Then, turn the lights on and measure the voltage. Now, with the lights still on, turn the car off, then back to "run" position without starting it. Read the voltage. Write these four numbers down with the date for future reference.
Next, find the bulkhead electical fittings at the firewall. pull back the rubber bot and measure the voltage from the post to a bolt head somewhere on the car chassis. Swap the meter leads and do it again.
Once you are confident with voltage readings, we will go to current readings.
(measured in amperes).